I did my usual counseling homework, except the was the first time with 45 minutes of this particular story. The reaction should last about 4 hours. I am 12 hours out from it and still completely on edge and actually am trying to manage a bad panic attack, one different than my usual. This one started with suddenly getting very hot, the pouring sweat, then the panicky feeling I can't stop, shallow breathing that I am now trying very hard to slow, and my heartrate went up to 120. And my head still is pounding. I decided that I was done and took an extra klonopin. I know it isn't good but I'm at 3 times the time I should be agitated and having a bad panic a kattack on top of the muscle pain and headache. And that it is after 3 AM. I have an email to Dr. Body about a muscle relaxant since he said that would be the next thing to try. And I'll see what Dr. Brain has to say although it's unlikely she'd say much before I see Dr. Mind next. I want to know if the agitation has lasted say 8 hours if
klonopin will do much damage since it would leave my system before my next round with the to balance topic.
I don't know. I just want to figure out whether I really can sleep (per one side of me that is responding to klonopin), if a shower would help (what I kind of want) or if my brain is right and there is no way I'm sleeping when this agitated.
This is worth it, this is worth it, this is worth it, this is worth it, this is worth it......
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5 comments:
THIS IS WORTH IT! THIS IS WORTH IT! THIS IS WORTH IT! THIS IS WORTH IT! THIS IS WORTH IT!
Do you have any support going through this beyond your doctors? Maybe you can find an on-line support group or forum for people dealing with similar issues. It sounds like a very lonely thing to be doing alone.
I do think that some things need to be confronted (although not always). But if you are having such reactions that you need to take klonopin, I wonder if this is working right. But, admittedly, I have no idea what your therapist's program is.
Jean-
Yeah, I have a support group. I have thought about trying to find something for PTSD online but would be just as likely to be traumatized by others' stories as to get help. Somewhat alone is kind of necessary since I'm only starting to learn how to talk about it.
The trick with this type of treatment is that as it progresses based on reactions different paths are chosen by the therapist. (I think). He can and already has reduced my exposure as needed. When we started this new one we went with the same level of exposure I'd been having. It was obviously too much.
It's proving to be hard to guess what to do with me because my body apparently has a very strong limbic system. However, calming that is the whole goal. My situation has just been tricky because I react for many hours longer. My panic attack should have been many hours before it actually happened. It's also one of those things that some discomfort in the form of anxiety, panic attacks, or other strong emotions can occur. It's expected. For me the difficulty is that I am reacting a bit too strongly and needing medication that just slows the process.
It's just a hard thing to go through. However it is helping and there are changes already. And the whole point is to make my reaction to anxiety be a bit less dramatic. unfortunately the finding out how dramatic part isn't fun and I keep making it worse by telling myself i need to just hang in there and then it gets too far ahead of me.
The other downside is that while your limbic system learns that the world isn't a threat you are dealing with things you find threatening. Which means anything else you are bothered by gets thrown into the mix. I was feeling sad about knowing my former employer is moving and so the place that was mine won't even exist soon (and I'll no longer be able to picture myself in the office as part of the team), and then finding out that someone I once knew online wasn't who she seemed to be, ironically since she was allegedly showing how someone else online had dome some bad things.
For now this is a horribly difficult treatment and sometimes I do want to quit. But it is working and although right now it's pretty much a full-time job by the end I should be able to handle my past much better and even have fewer panic attacks/nightmares/difficulty coping in certain situations.
We'll see. I know my last really bad reaction got some adjustments and I think Dr. Mind was worried then we'd have to stop. So we'll see what happens tomorrow.
Very good reporting. Your writing is excellent and you have good insight and strong perspective when you're not in the midst of it. Remember that you have a long-standing pattern of waiting too long on some physical and mental signs. Can you call in the "therapy cat" early warning system? Anything else that tells you the clouds are gathering so you can preempt some of this?
All in all, you see light in the darkness and rest in the eye of the storm. YOU ARE WORTH IT! YOU ARE WORTH IT! YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Be encouraged!
(((hugs))) Michal
DWELL on His Word, a balm for your body, soul, and spirit.
1 Peter 5:6-7
Amplified Bible
Therefore humble yourselves [demote, lower yourselves in your own estimation] under the mighty hand of God, that in due time He may exalt you, casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully.
I agree with Michal on you sometimes waiting too long, but easy to say AFTER the fact! I mean, I don't know how you are supposed to figure out what is "too long" and what is acceptable and what is not acceptable! Do you and Dr. Mind discuss this at all?
Oh Jen - this IS working. From here I am seeing such positive things happening. Again, easy for me to say as I don't have to be the one going through it, but... I just hope it helps to know that progress is being made.
You are one of the most "worth it" people I know.
Becky
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