I have inexplicably become grouchy this evening. I think it's just stress about tomorrow and also, I wrote all that and I'm very proud of myself. But learning to handle it is going to be rough. I didn't realize how rough until my support group changing days totally threw me for a loop. No reason, I just don't want change. I think I may opt out of group for a few more weeks until this is under control as I'm a little afraid of my reaction. This is the hardest stuff I can remember and I suspect it will be an hour and a half of listening pleasure daily. And there are some rough questions to ask Dr. Mind. Based on the other things we've done Thursday will be the beginning of some heavy insomnia. I've asked, sort of and will more clearly, for help not handling this in robot mode. I need to cry even though I don't want to. That's one thing that I've noticed about this; I have mostly kept my feelings blocked off. I have to be careful how I say that because saying I'm numb is a key word to Dr. Mind that I'm in trouble.
On the other hand it was fun to see how happy Dr. Mind was today. My forgetting that I had listened and erased was labeled one of the best things I've ever said. He also noted my laughing a few times. It was a good session. It was a session we needed. Now comes the hard part.
Please know that it is likely I'm REALLY going to struggle in the next couple weeks. I feel ready to do this but I know that there will be an enormous cost for a while. Then eventually it pays off. But because with less volatile, half as long "stories" I've had trouble this is going to be tough.
But first I have to get through tomorrow. Dr. Mind was shocked that I was calm about this, but Dr. Sweetheart has done like 9 pelvics on me in the last year, she knows how to help with vaginissmus (I can't spell that condition and don't care to--means my body fights anything going in with painful muscle spasms. Most doctors miss it. Mine certainly did and then she found it in about 2 seconds and as long as she helps and everyone talks normally I'm fine. But I will be glad to be done with it.
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2 comments:
I understand that encouragement to "relax" or "stop stressing" increases the pressure. I'll just recommend deep cleansing breaths. I know I'm prone to tensing up and holding my breath way too often.
It's so good to hear that laughter is happening! Are you any good at watching funny movies? I hear it's a great thing to do.
I just read "Anne of Green Gables" for the first time. As they say, "It's never too late to have a happy childhood." What a LOVELY book filled with beautiful observations about the natural world. I rarely read non-fiction because I'm slogging through various "should reads" and self-help books. I think I have more helpful things to reflect upon after reading about Anne Shirley.
I'll be praying for you, Jen.
Can you get some Selah music playing in your mind?
Love, Michal
I'm so thankful to hear that prayers were answered! I will stop! to give thanks and count those blessings. Praise God from Whom all blessings flow!
I will trust that you're making more progress today as you bravely walk into the wind of this season's storms with Dr. Mind, your faithful companion.
I will hold you in my heart, sometimes wordlessly but communing with our Lord and you.
Be blessed by "God Calling."
Prayer Without Words
Lord, hear us, we pray.
Hear and I answer. Spend much time in prayer. Prayer is of many kinds, but of whatever kind, prayer is the linking up of the soul and mind and heart to God.
So that if it is only a glance of faith, a look or word of Love, or confidence, and no supplication is expressed, it yet follows that supply and all necessary are secured.
Because the soul, being linked to God, united to Him, receives in and through Him all things. And the soul, when in human form, needs too the things belonging to its habitation.
Pray without ceasing.
1 Thessalonians 5:17
In His love, Michal
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