I slept a few minutes after several hours of my body physically showing how upset it was-shaking and panic attacks and agitation and freezing. And then a nightmare woke me about 4 hours ago and that's it. I've changed my sheets, made hats (of course), cleaned up my room, managed a few financial things and I am still way too agitated. And I have a tension headache but that's to be expected. I've discovered that I was so stressed today that my muscles are sore. I've had that throughout the treatment but I hurt down to my wrists this time because of how my arms were held.
Now I forget the things that Dr. Mind said that felt like examples of what I'm supposed to be able to say. It just gets wiped away with everything else. Because that was very hard already I think I"m going to ask if we can first tape that and then next time move to the tape involving icky words and descriptions.
I'm going to go get some milk and crackers and see if I can't get to sleep already.
Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com
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3 comments:
Jen,
It's good you can realize WHY these physical things are happening to you. Not that it makes this any easier, but at least there may be some comfort in knowing the reason.
You mentioned yesterday that you looked like you'd been in a "rapid war". Well... you are indeed in battle mode - HUGE fight - maybe your biggest fight ever.
With all that's going on, I want to encourage you... I cannot imagine exactly how you feel, but can you please keep in mind that this is going to be worth it in the end?
I can "see" that you are absolutely physically and mentally exhausted. So, take it easy on yourself, will you? What would you tell your patient to do in this state? Fresh air? Sleep? Good food? Distraction? Whatever it takes, girl!
I keep seeing you at Dr. Mind's office and how hard that was for you. But the tears and sobs of a different kind - isn't that also progress? Is there any comfort in letting it out? I hope so.
Here and praying for you and thinking of you. You can do this. The end of the rainbow holds good things for you, Jen!
Becky
LOVE Becky's wisdom and CrankyAmy's encouragement.
Self-care is the name of the game. Does your family have any idea how hard you're working with this new technique?
Praying for much respite and recovery today. It's hard for me to stay in the moment and to realize I have to be HERE now. Only the present moment as is said in recovery programs of all kinds, one moment at a time, one day at a time. You are safe, safe enough to rest and move outdoors, out of the confines of your walls for a little bit. Just a little bit.
Breathe in God's Spirit...breathe out fear and anxiety. Rest and try to hear God's voice in your mind and heart.
"Be still and know that I am God" as I've mentioned, literally means "I am God and you are not so shut up." I'm guessing words are tumbling through your mind as you process what's happened and what is yet to come but give yourself a rest if you can. See Becky's words above and let us know your successful techniques. I like her suggestion that you "prescribe" the self-care you'd recommend to your patient. Yes, patient and patience with our dear friend Jen.
God Calling--today's devotional:
That Tender Voice
Very quietly I speak. Listen to My Voice. Never heed the voices of the world - only the tender Divine Voice.
Listen and you will never be disappointed. Listen, and anxious thoughts and tired nerves will become rested. The Voice Divine - not so much in strength as in tenderness. Not so much in power as in restfulness.
But the tenderness and the restfulness will heal your scars and make you strong, and then it must be your task to let all your power be My Power. Man's little power is as clay beside the granite rock of My Power.
You are My great care. Never feel at the mercy of the world. My angels guard you day and night and nothing can harm you. You would indeed thank Me if you knew the darts of fret and evil they turn from you.
Thank Me indeed for dangers unknown - unseen- but averted.
And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.
1 Kings 19:11, 12
Love and gentle kind hugs to you brave Jen,
Michal
I forgot to tell you that yesterday's title "Today is done" reminded me of Taps.
This is an arrangement with singers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKhhg2CqcCQ
Profound words for your comfort:
Day is done,
Gone the sun,
From the lakes,
From the hills,
From the sky,
All is well,
Safely rest,
God is nigh.
Fading light,
Dims the sight,
And a star,
Gems the sky,
Gleaming bright,
From afar,
Drawing nigh,
Falls the night.
Thanks and praise,
For our days,
Neath the sun,
Neath the stars,
Neath the sky,
As we go,
This we know,
God is nigh.
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