My biggest fear right now

As a reminder, Anna is my old, maybe sick cat.  She is certainly my old, confused at times, very sensitive to illness girl.  That goes with being an old cat.  She was diagnosed with cataracts a while ago and I'm noticing she doesn't see well anymore.  I put food down and she no longer sees it until I show her.

Now that we have the stomach bug under control she is a happy girl again.  Less active than 3 weeks ago but that may be recovery still.  And her activity level was ot nexactly athletic anyway.  She is more happy to spend as much time as possible getting pets and I'm soaking that up because I know that she has declined in the last 6-8 months and that I won't always be stuck in one spot because she is propped on my leg.  She also likes for me to carry her around more than usual.  It's all about snuggling; if I pick her up she immediately settles into her favorite spot and rubs her cheeks against my earpieces of my glasses, just as she always has.

But I'm not stupid.  I know that we've gone from rarely seeing a vet to I think 4 trips since January and several phone calls.  I know the price of a lab panel because we've done it so often.  She's on medication that is quite expensive but makes my life so much easier by getting her good rest.  I know she is very confused and upset if I'm gone long; she is very reliant on me to make a pattern in her days.

Anna isn't going to be here forever.  It may be not the cause that we thought for years, her kidneys, but she's quite old and her body proved this week it just can't take much.  I truly was going to take her in for vomiting because of the quantity and it had happened a few days running, but I was sure I was safe for one more day.  I was wrong, as the blood demonstrated.  Thank God I found that when I did; I don't know if she would have lived until Tuesday with the dehydration as bad as it was.

I think she knows that she's going to leave me sometime soon.  Probably not tomorrow, but probably not years from now either.  One or two years if we are very, very fortunate and nothing changes much.

I am terrified of losing her.  I truly don't know that I can handle it.  I barely handled this sickness.  I've talked to her and told her that if she needs to leave me then to please just go in her sleep and I will know that she went peacefully.  I've told her she has to tell me when it is time.  Her response has been making an effort to be with me a great deal more than usual in the last few years.  I know she doesn't really understand but she is very in tune with my feelings and I think she does know that my sadness is related to her.

And I have come to love our time together so much that I dread needing to get up to get some water which is coming in just a few minutes.

I just don't want to see her get old, yet I very much do want to see her get old.  The hardest part of pets is loving them because they aren't going to live as long as you wish.

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