What this is

What I think is going on is that extreme stress, which I've been under for over a week now, keeps me from sleeping.  I am getting sleep during the day but not soundly and I wake from nightmares and often don't get enough hours.  Not sleeping makes me manic.  Manic makes EVERYTHING seem and feel much worse.  And then in my case we generally proceed to mixed, which is where I am now.  When I can take a 2 hour walk that included at least 1/4 mile straight up and then 1/4 mile straight down and covered 50% of my town plus the deviation for the straight up thing and then I play Wii frisbee golf for an hour and I am still wide awake and agitated that is a pretty good sign that mania is in charge.  I am not even sure I'm mixed; I know I should feel depression but I'm not sure I do.  I'd guess the suicidal thing last night was mixed. So have my tears (frequently lately but twice today) about not being able to do anything fun or see my niece or anything because my life is so messed up.

I have Dr. Mind tomorrow, finally.  I am praying that he agrees to not go further but to record things we did last time so I can get used to it a little more gradually.  The treatment isn't supposed to be gradual but it is also not for people with bipolar with their PTSD and this mania thing is very bad.  Make that "very uncomfortable".   It's also keeping me from coping with what I need to because I'm not able to focus well.

I hope it ends soon.  I am very divided right now on taking an extra benzo.  I'm not supposed to because it calms my PTSD reaction but that is so over the top I don't know.  It also makes me liable to oversleep for my appointment with Dr. Mind and that simply can't happen.  So I would rather have little sleep and see him than be drugged.  Either way getting up is going to hurt.

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