My miracle

There's nothing quite so sad as watching the statistics for this thing I worked so hard to decide to produce drop. Rapidly. Unfortunately right now is not the time for me to do, well, anything. I just can't. I am working more hours than I thought possible.

However, it is an exciting time. I have never been this well for this long. This is doubly exciting because I'm on less medication than ever before, and I'm having a horrible time taking it and making it stay down. I have been episode free for 4 whole months. And that entire time I have been under ridiculous amounts of stress.

I spend a lot of time right now questioning this. It's wonderful, but very hard to trust. This is compounded by knowing that one day I will wake up and know that it has come to an end. I'm doing better than was thought possible for me at the moment. I am quite willing to recognize that as the gift it is.

At the same time it's interesting to have a "normal" life. In my field it is possible to make a great deal of money taking on-call work. I did a little of this several years ago before my doctor told me to stop. Normally I've had to be very aggressive that I could not and would not work any overtime. In January I did a bit of extra work and did ok, although I was pretty tired by the end. However that month was emotionally draining. The work I have been doing now is exhausting and I don't see myself able to do it much longer, but I've finally felt like I got to try something normal.

On the other hand, I just reach an absolute done point every day. And then I am very stressed by the things left hanging. Today was humiliating because the administrator wanted my desk neater. Well, I'm doing the best I can, but I'm just not able to organize. And there's a lot of stuff on my desk that is not mine and has nothing to do with me. I have been regularly announcing "there's only ONE of me" and "I can only do so much", but when things come up that aren't done that people are unhappy about I get very frustrated. I want to do one job and do it right.

But on the plus side, I'm doing more than I ever dreamed and I'm feeling good.

Back now to the regularly scheduled break from blogging...