Abandoned????????

I'm beginning to think that Dr. Brain heard about my yelling at a doctor Saturday night and is afraid of me.  As I recall from Saturday evening when we spoke she was going to be out of town Sunday but would call the hospital in the afternoon to see if I was still there.  If not she would call me at home.  I was to email her as soon as I got home.  I did. No answer, no call. Part of why this is all weird is that she was holding a space for me if needed and well, I guess I didn't need it, although I don't think she knows all that happened Saturday during the night (I realize neither do you but it included my yelling at a doctor on the phone).  I kind of thought I did need it since I'm cycling rapidly and the anxiety is now unbearable after not being given any mood stabilizers until 1 AM Sunday morning and the anxiety meds I needed to sleep at more like 2.  And I'm supposed to be back to work next week and some things have to improve vastly before that can happen.

All day I was sure she'd call.  As 8 pm approaches rapidly I am pretty sure she won't.  And no email means she probably didn't read what I sent.  I can't really complain as she spent tons of time on me this weekend including 2 phone calls to the hospital and extensively preparing the resident who assessed me in the ER.

I know not calling means she has a good reason. But she is killing me.  I am not even able to restart lithium as I should have yesterday because the hospital people were so glad to get rid of me that they neglected to tell me how they wanted it restarted and I am not approaching that on my own or without knowing labs for monitoring are arranged.

So I keep taking anxiety meds that don't help and trying to figure out what I can do that requries no energy, doesn't agitate me more, and makes me feel like this is going to be ok.  Right now it's hard to believe it will be anything but another disaster.