No idea what I'm about to type

Mostly, I am T.I.R.E.D.  I've been exhausted since I got out of the hospital, and this is normal plus they didn't let me sleep there via withholding meds, but for whatever reason today is even more sleepy than before.  I honestly can't remember when I got up.  I've done only a tiny bit of anything knowing I was tired.  And a minute ago I looked at the clock thinking surely it was nearly pill time and it is not quite 6:30.    In the last hour my activities have been so tiring as: reading, starting the washer and dryer (didn't even have to flip clothes), and showering.  Otherwise all I've done is start to prepare an area for my nativity scene (so excited.  I asked for one years ago and was given a gorgeous one.  Unfortunately the next Christmas I had 2 kittens and there weren't many survivors.  So last year my whole family bought me parts of the Willow Creek nativity set.  I just have to find places for my pictures of my niece and I can put it out.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day.  I have to leave about 1 to get to Dr. Brain's for my 3:40 pre-appointment.  Then I'll see her and then I'll go to see Dr. Mind for a late appointment and then drive home.  So I will be home around 10.  After 10 days of doing nothing that's going to be a LOT.  I don't know why I scheduled Dr. Mind at 8; that's an odd time for me.  I suppose he didn't have anything open although I thought I scheduled this pretty far back.  Who knows.

I had a weird dream (several in fact) last night.  The weirdest was that I was at some store and saw someone I thought was familar. They came over to my car and made sure it was me.  It was my so-called-friend who decided my illness makes me not a Christian and her husband.  The weird thing was that we had a conversation and even drove somewhere (in my Forester which I kept calling a truck(?)) together amiably.  But then we got to a field somewhere and she went with her husband and that was it.  It was like my brain had the unusual idea we should try to re-connect.  Given she thinks I'm the spawn of Satan I don't think so, but I haven't dreamed about her in years, nor consciously thought of her in a long time. Too bad too, this was always our fun part of the year (we had fun constantly but Christmas was great.  We'd watch the Mup**pet Christmas Movie and got to know it so well we both could recite most of it.  My senior year in the last weeks before serious depression took away my life for about 6 months we were laughing at our favorite part (every time someone comes in the slip on ice and fall and everyone yells don't step on the icy patch).  So I leaped up, grabbed paper, scissors and a marker and made an "icy patch"that I taped to the floor inside the door so that every time someone walked in and asked what that was we could yell "don't step on the icy patch!".  It was funnier then).  We had a bunch of Christmas traditions and sadly I don't remember any others.  Christmas service in our school chapel.  The chapel at the school I went to is one of the most beautiful I've ever seen.  The Christmas service is something you get to very early or you don't go.  Oh, we did stockings for each other and you never knew when there'd be something in there.  And an advent calendar, the first I'd encoutered with candy (we had a hand-made one as kids).  We even mailed stockings to each other when I moved to Michigan and she finished her undergrad degree.  I have no idea why any of this is coming up today.  That dream was weird.  Every so often I think of how easy it would be to facebook and see if perspective has grown as she grew up.  But the hurt if not would never, ever be worth it.  Especially right now.  Oh well.

As I think about it the toxicity/screwed my meds have done something to my sleep.  I rarely remember dreams that aren't more panic attacks than dream.  My sleep study showed I spend almost no time in REM sleep.  That's typical with the meds I'm on. But lately I'm waking every day aware of dreams.  It's very odd.

Anyway, I don't even know what else there is to say.  And I need to try something else as typing is putting me to sleep.  I should just take meds and go to sleep but I try so hard to keep med time consistent that I just can't, plus it's just as likely that I'll take them and still not get to sleep until midnight or 1 AM.

Probably won't post tomorrow unless it's before I leave or I'm really wound up when I get home.