Worst fears

Pretty much from diagnosis (remember I was diagnosed by this dr. who is one of if not the top expert on bipolar in the world so this is not a high-handed doctor; in fact he was conservative and I was bipolar II for several months) I was told that (based on the research done at the center where my clinical trial was done) I had most of the things that made bipolar hardest to treat.  I had been way overtreated with severely high doses of way too many antidepressants which is not good for the brain, and I had rapid cycling to an extreme which is partly/largely b/c of the antidepressants.  I can't remember the other factors, but I was told that based on what was available in 2002 I would gain control with careful med management but I should not expect to be symptom free.  Essentially there were only 2 bad things I didn't have diagnosed at that time:  mixed episodes and psychosis.  Within months mixed episodes were clear and my diagnosis changed to bipolar I.  Mixed episodes are kind of a unique psychosis although I have seen that they may be just considered psychosis soon. And boy did I have mixed episodes.  Still do.  I have only very rarely been diagnosed with an episde that was one-sided.  And as I wrote a few days ago eventually meds that help me came along and while I still am mixed a good bit it is not bad and managed.  But despite all that my psychotic symptoms have never been that bad and have been controlled for years.  I had visual hallucinations from a medication 5 years ago and a lot of paranoia until I don't know when.  But the psychotic stuff was never severe enough to even treat.

Obviously that's not been so true lately but 2 days ago I felt so sure that today I would get to tell Dr. Mind that I'd achieved a normal mood.  I was doing so well, so sure work awaited me in 2 weeks, and as I wrote last night I was ready to start dissecting the OCD part of my anxiety.

Unfortunately today rocked all that to the core.  A few hours ago I wrote on here "This morning (and this is hard to describe) I was actually feeling like all the noises from yesterday, noises I never noticed, were loudly banging around in my brain".  Those noises became different and I became scared and immediately went into denial that maybe I was hallucinating.  So I kept insisting it was sensory overload.   Dr. Mind was worried when he got to the waiting room and I had my eyes blocked from some kid playing with a flashlight and couldn't hear him because of earplugs.  I was shaking by the time we got upstairs and I think not making a lot of sense. He thought I was very manic, something I had thought from time to time but I don't get manic in 1 day.  Ever.  Not this manic.  But I have. He actually left me alone to calm down for a few minutes. I think he knew how bad it was looking at me, shaking and agitated and scared and jumping at every noise. I told him about the voices saying I know what it sounds like but it can't be can it?  It took a lot of work to describe it. /First I stuck to the overwhelmed yet-this-makes-no-sense approach.  Then I cautiously approached my fear of what they really were. Should you ever find yourslef needing those words "I feel like my head is stuck in a bucket" did nicely. By the end of the session my fear all day was confirmed:  I should not, hyperacuity or not, be hearing voices.  It's hard to describe.  Mostly it's like overhearing a roomful of people talking; I hear a few words or a word or most of a sentence.  Most isn't directed to me.  I hear the voice of a small boy and there are sentences.  Thankfully my voices are not threatening me at this point and are only annoying because it's loud inside my head.  I am now having some visual ones too; they are less fun as they seem to often be the shape of birds and I'm afraid of birds.  These are not scaring me yet, I have enough connect with reality to figure it out eventually.  It was a very long session, both timewise (the longest I have ever had with him) and in intensity.  It was so hard because focusing is so hard (I'm writing this one sentence at a time) and I'd start to explain something and wind up 20 miles from where I started.  I mentioned having done an anxiety test for my sleep study and scoring 2 points below panic.  He made me take it again and while it was hard because I couldn't remember the 4 words I was to use it was clearly bad by the first page.  I know am in extreme anxiety, panic and 8 points higher than 10 days ago.  We had to practice for me to remember that.  I did survive orientation questions with pauses to think, although I spent a chunk of today thinking it was Friday.

I have sent an email to Dr. Brain and presume he has too by now.  Hope so; mine makes little sense.  I'm completely in shock.  I was getting better and now I am reversing that quickly.

We ended with prayer.  Well, he prayed, I sobbed.  Unless we are using certain techniques the only time we pray is when it is bad.Not that my spending a day waiting to see if I just might be fully psychotic like I suspected and then about an hour and half deciding just that is probable.   I could see at the end that this is saddening him and I am scared by that.  He's under so much personal stress that it could be just one more bad thing happening to someone he cares about, but he knows more about what this means for my future.

The only change in meds lately was I reduced my seroquel by 50 mg over several days.  We seem to still be in the antipsychotics are the less the best.  I went back up by my 50 and am fighting the desire to increase and add as much of both kinds of antipsychotics in my current supply just to make it stop.

I don't know what happens next.  For the 2nd day in a row I've left a message at Dr. Brain's office that something was seriously wrong.  Try saying allowed and for real "I'm hallucinating" to an answering machine.  I know the deal is usually home as long as I am safe but I don't know how safe antipsychotic changes which are clearly needed are.

If you are one of my prayer people, please pray for an easy solution and that my body tolerates it.  Pray that I can stabilize and regulate very quickly so that I don't have to explain that I can't work because of being a wee bit psychotic.  Pray that this can be fixed at home.  Because the unit is always very cold I am planning to go tomorrow to buy sweatshirts.  I need them anyway and since I assume this could become a rapidly changing situation unless I hear differently I'm going to be as ready as I can  in case.

This is harder than realizing I had bipolar, than hearing the diagnosis and the severity and the upfront talk about prognosis.  I can't explain it.  And frankly I just want to CONTROL it.  ASAP.  Meds are hard b/c of akasthesia.  I suspect my sunny thoughts of work just got lost.  I have no idea what or how this will be fixed.

More when I can.  It's hard to leave people with bad news and then not come back but right now I am controlling these things.  If I can't or it takes all my energy then I will disappear.  If I am hospitalized and still quality for mood disorders (Dr. Mind promised me always) I'll have computer access.  It's if I'm home and either sleeping off drugs or using all my energy to fight that I'll be quiet. However, there's a lot to say about this so I'm sure I'll be back.  Maybe even later tonight.  I'm scared to turn the lights off.  So we'll see.  I am hopeful of some sleep.

People use hallucinogenic drugs are huts and are welcome to this as I watch bugs on my ceiling that aren't real........