11 years, 3 weeks, and today

Eleven years ago today a dream of mine came true.  After practicing writing Jennifer ****, OTR/L when I needed hope for what seemed like years and accomplishing only being allowed to write Jennifer *** OTS (OT student), I graduated, earned my master's degree hood, and lost my S. For the next few months I was Jennifer ***** OT, the Jennifer **** OT/LP (Limited permit; until my board results were through), then the bulky Jennifer **** OTR/LP (passed boards, awaiting state licensure), and finally Jennifer ***** OTR/L.  I had no idea that day that my academic career was ending; I was pretty sure OT would only be a profession of mine for a while before moving on to something with a PhD.  I also had no idea that by the time I was able to take my boards, in March, I would be on the wild and crazy ride that was my emotional state until Nov. 2009 when I finally stabilized for the first real time.  I knew something wasn't right.  I had no idea that it was more than a malfunctioning antidepressant. 

Three weeks ago I was in the ER waiting for labs to come back and wondering why everyone kept repeating the same questions about could I maybe have accidentally taken some excess lithium, was I sure I was not feeling anything that resembled toxicity symptoms, and praying that it was toxicity.  I kept thinking of the luxury of a medical room and the less restrictive life than the psych unit where I'd go if I wasn't toxic.  Ha.  I actually have been much more mobile and content during both of my psych stays than I was in that medical room, and I didn't like parts of those psych stays much at all.  I was vaguely aware that I wasn't doing so well with some of the neuro testing, although the test where I finally got it was yet to come.  (There's one benefit to doing these tests on patients; you have at least an idea of what your outcome is).

Today I've remained exhausted.  This was expected as yesterday was a huge day for me.  I did manage to drag myself to the post office and discovered no paycheck (I didn't really expect it but thought there was a chance).  That's the total days' activities; I haven't even eaten much because I'm just too tired.  I feel down today as well.  I think I hoped that admitting yesterday that no, this isn't feeling as good as it should would lead to some action that would help.  But Dr. Mind basically just agreed, and I haven't heard from Dr. Brain, which worries me.  I am afraid that this means she is still not doing well after surgery and while mostly I want her well, I also am terrified that she can't handle helping me during this time which is a huge issue since someone needs to and if this med is not going to do it we need to do something different very soon if it is to have enough time to work.  Or, if we are increasing the dose, we need time to be sure that if I have askasthesia from it that I can recover from that.  I know she's help as soon as she's able, I just never asked how I would even know if she was not able.  I did finish making a calendar using all of the professional photos from our shoot in April.  My niece has changed so much!  She was a baby then, only 9 months old and next week she'll double that.  Not to mention the walking, talking, hugging, kissing (on both cheeks; she's vaguely European apparently), etc.

My bed is a mess.  I have not felt like moving to the living room today and so the bed contains my bag of dry mouth candy, a nook, 3 knitting projects in different stages of completion, instructions for knitting, my knitting bag, my cell phone, my real phone, DVD/tv remote and for some odd reason 2 boxes of tissues.I kicked the blankets off in the night so this is making it an ideal new sheet night.  I also have to shower and get my patch on; the last two haven't stuck for some reason (and I did bathe, I realized what that sounded like :), so I am going to have to do the "patches won't stick" skin care and hope that getting rid of the dry skin stops the problem.  The last 12 mg (I alternate 9 and 12) patch was a problem because I forgot that it is big enough that if I stick it where it has to absorb too much movement of my arm it comes off.  The 9 can go in the same place without a problem.  

Now if I only had the energy to even clear off my bed.........