Admitting before someone told me that I need help is a big, huge step for me. I've rarely if ever done so. I know that it is right this time but I really can think of so many things I'd prefer. I am basically forcing myself into doing many of the things I've felt impossible for so long now. It's scary. I want to cry but I have my emotions in lockdown.
I still don't know when I am going. I am assuming this means Monday but hoping not. Hopefully Dr. Brain gets back to me soon. I know I caused all kinds of confusion yesterday and am probably not her favorite person. I'd avoid me too frankly. But I find it really hard to just relax when I don't know what is going on about something this big and although my family is being WONDERFUL (I know!) I hate that I'm likely to be totally messing up Christmas. I hope that my mom will go down to my sister's to be with SOMEONE that day, or that she and my brother get together, something.
I am doing the right thing. I am doing the right thing. I am doing the ONLY thing. But it still sucks.
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