Friday, December 30, 2011
My poor kitty
My cats stayed home alone while I was in the hospital.. My mother fed them every other day and tried to give them so attention. But it was Christmas and so there wasn't a lot of time. Since I got home they've been very clingy; one of them still hasn't let me out of his sight except when I left yesterday to see Dr. Mind. My other cat is, as I've mentioned before, quite old and not in the best health and she also has periods of being very confused. My being gone must have been very hard on her as she (I'm hoping as the other option is that her electric bed warmer burned her and that is guilt I can't stand although I think that is the deal now that I think of it). Crap. I just discovered a hairless, blistered area on her belly. So we're going to the vet tomorrow and I feel so bad, especially now that I'm sure she burned herself which would mean taking away the head that keeps her comfortable. I may try to protect her with covering it, but I can't believe it hurt her; she's had the thing for years and while she uses it more now it's not like she is unable to change positions. I probably need to check her for other injuries but right now she is so peaceful sleeping on me that it will wait. This burn thing looks like it is relatively healed so who knows how long it's been there. I only found it because I grabbed at it when picking her up when she wanted in the bed where I've been fighting a panic attack for several hours. Bleck.
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I'm sorry about your dear old kitty and glad that she's on the mend. Maybe the heating pad is malfunctioning a little since it's been used for years. If the injury is healing, is a vet trip necessary? You're a GREAT kitty mama so please don't ride the guilt trip! You're NOT to blame! I'm glad your kitties are snuggling in with you now. Just enjoy their love and loyalty without guilt and regret over things you couldn't change or anticipate. You and your mom absolutely did the best you could...and all is "forgiven" by your sweet kitty kids.
I re-read part of a journal from the last year or so where I often re-copied the profound Serenity Prayer as I struggled with very painful circumstances. It's ringing in my ears as I think of your situation.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as the pathway to peace, taking this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it to be, so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next."
Serenity Prayer, long version.
It's entirely in line with a scripture that was texted today by a friend:
"So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of it's own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34
I hope you realize that I know it's very challenging to fight anxiety and panic so I'm not lecturing...I'm just "one beggar offering bread to another," which is an approximation of a famous quote about sharing the gospel.
I'm wondering why you have to develop your own "IOP." Can't the dismal-excuse-for-a-social-worker give you assistance as an outpatient? Is there anyone you can call once or twice a week that would count as "talking to someone daily?" Would that be effective?
So so glad for your unmedicated sleep!! What a breakthrough...even if it's not a trend, its very positive. I have a lot more thoughts but won't overload one comment. I just got in from a 4 day week at school and then I'll attend full time through the second term, hoping for graduation in the spring.
You're always in my prayers. Thank you for fighting the good fight, oh brave and determined sister!
Love, Michal ><>
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