Some "decision"

I was aware walking out of Dr. Mind's office that there wasn't a realistic way that I was going to learn how to read or talk about this stuff without feeling in 3 days.  I just liked the idea that I could force it.  It hasn't taken long to realize that I can't force it.  And Dr. Mind the first has reassured me that this normal. So I am going to have to trust Dr. Mind more than I ever have before, which is saying a LOT, and let him help me hurt for tiny, blond curlyhaired, blue eyed, Jen.  (I was small for my age always, my hair is now dark brown, my eyes are green (really I think they are grey.  or hazel.  never can keep those straight).  I'm not even trying for now.  I'm very stressed and scared and dreading it so much that I've cried about that, but I know this has to happen and that I can't do it.  I have 36 years of doing this and a few days won't make me change.  I remember the only other therapist I've talked about this much with, Dr. Mind the first, telling me that I didn't cry.  I guess that's continued.

One thing, the stress seems to be making me sleepy.  I usually respond to the reading day badly but this time I just wanted to sleep.  We'll see how Monday goes.

Good thing I haven't looked at Dr. Mind unless he was making me do so for months.  Makes it a lot easier to avoid now when I would prefer to do this with my eyes closed.

I have one emotion:  I am so angry that someone did things that make it so hard for me to feel anything about my own past that I can't name one feeling about these things.


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