Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Monday, September 22, 2014

Angry

I saw my brother yesterday and realized that my emotions have taken another crazy spin.  This time it has gone to very angry.  I don't think I'm as angry about what he did (although there is that, I just think mostly I have dealt with that) but it is that he isn't acting like an adult now.  Instead of saying "I created a really crappy situation but I will take every step I can to get out of that situation" he seems to insisting on doing things in a way that is honestly taking advantage of our mother, along with adding a great deal of guilt to what she is already dealing with, and ultimately he's going to leave a lot of crap for others to clean up.

He is nearly out of money.  At my mother's request I sent him information on getting food stamps.  Using the estimator program I found that he would get quite a bit, enough to comfortably eat without spending anything on food.  He hasn't bothered to fill out the online application.  He also hasn't taken any steps to getting a job.  And he could get one.  He hasn't been convicted of anything and while his mug shot was on the news and can be found if his name is searched his name is common and if he simply changed his haircut a little nobody would recognize him from that picture.  He could have been bringing in a steady income for months and has chosen to try to run his own little business which has not provided even close to enough money.

I know taking those steps are hard.  I know he lives in fear of being recognized, even though it is completely illogical this many months after he was in the news for a day or day and a half.  But I also know that you do what you have to do.

When I suddenly lost disability from work and had no income at all I immediately got food stamps and worked out financial arrangements with my mom.  I immediately cut all costs that could possibly be cut.  I gave up everything I could and I have kept those things gone.  That included my house, as much as I hated that. I know that I don't have enough income to afford things I need so I do Swagbucks.  And while I am thrilled to have that as an option and I have earned well of a thousand dollars in 2.5 years I earn things by pennies at time and I spend several hours per day every day working on it. So yes, I have a way to buy Christmas presents and that is wonderful but I work incredibly hard for that extra money.  And if I didn't do Swagbucks I would have no money ever to buy gifts, music or books or any number of things that are "wants" and not "desperately needed".  Right now because my cat is so sick she goes through a horrifying amount of food plus $35 of medication per month.  I was really upset about not adhering to my budget until I realized that I've added medical bills and tripled or more my cat food costs.  And that means that when the bras I bought a few months ago were faulty and I had to replace them with a different kind Swagbucks and cashing in the pocket change I dutifully save is how I can afford them.  It's how I'll pay for the new sneakers I need when I start walking next week(!!!!). And it's how I'll pay my savings back eventually for the iphone 4 I bought from my brother-in-law this weekend.  It won't last forever but my other phone was dying and this gives me the benefit of not needing to buy a new ipod as my ipod is full; now I can put new stuff on the phone.  I am PROUD that I force myself to earn that money, every single day. 

 I accepted help but I built on what the help gave me (and I paid back every penny I borrowed).  Yes, my mom provides a home for me and hasn't charged me for this first year and the cost will be tiny after this year but I have been responsible and the reason she didn't charge me this year was so I could pay off credit cards and I have worked very hard at that and am almost done.   I also help her out for no fee as often as she needs it.  I have not dug a deeper money hole with this money/time to pay it back; I do have medical bills for a year or so but that was unavoidable and isn't THAT much.

And if I could do more I would.  If for some reason cutting the long hair that I love meant I could get a job that hair would be gone. I do not understand not doing everything in your power to take care of things yourself and to capitalize on assistance instead of just taking advantage and going back to the same way of doing things.

I am furious about this.  I'm sure that I'm not really furious about this specifically and that it is also about the entire situation but it just is the last straw as far as my patience goes.  Being angry about the entire situation just seems like a given.  I'd be worried if I weren't angry about it.

I'm also angry because I feel like God is asking so much of me with this.  I don't want to deal with my brother and God made it very clear that I am supposed to.  So I try and being nice to him when I want to scream at him is hard.  And there isn't much point to telling him what I feel because he doesn't get it.  Or he gets part of it but thinks that he has accepted enough responsibility for his actions that he is free of the rest.  Or something.  I don't understand his logic and I never will.  If I did I would understand how he did what he did and that's so far beyond me that I can't even try.

Also, I am cold.  I left a window cracked open today and it got cooler inside than I thought it would.  Autumn came exactly on time today.

And I need to earn more Swagbucks before I get sleepy.  If I don't do them before I'm tired my mind won't stop until I've earned them all and I don't need to not sleep.

Dr Mind said I should write about this.  Then he got really, really sick before the session was over and so we ended without saying much more than that.  So I'm worried about him as well.  I'm feeling pretty emotional overall with both things.

2 comments:

Jean Grey said...

I don't know who your carrier is- but if you are looking at getting an iphone 4, some of them will give you one for free with a 2 year contract.

Michal McAllister said...

Good job exploring and expressing your anger. IMHO, you have every right to have an HONEST relationship with your brother. Share your opinions
with him freely. Why not? Did God tell you that you had to do otherwise?

Just thoughts...

Take what you can.

Hugs, Michal