Now I am in a much safer place but things could have been so much worse and so dangerous. I have a very long way to go to recover from this one and to develop safety plans with Dr. Mind. I guess we also have to talk a lot about this until I am not so ashamed of thoughts I can't control.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Brief explanation: Michal asked about my statement about making it this long by grace. What I mean is that I have been pretty seriously (is there any other kind?) suicidal for months now and I did everything that I'm not supposed to do. I didn't tell anyone that this felt more serious than the harmless but annoying "I wish I was dead" thinking I had been having for so long. But after the lithium toxicity I started thinking about ways to stop living if I couldn't handle it anymore. I wanted I guess insurance is the word that I was going to have a way to stop the cycling if nobody else could. By the time I got here I was sitting in my room thinking about how different things could hurt me. That's when I told on myself. But I've been living in a very, very dangerous situation for a long time now and I was very, very stupid to do that. I have various excuses but the truth is that I was embarrassed and didn't want to tell anyone and I didn't want to have the only way I felt was sure out of this situation stopped.
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1 comment:
Jen, I'm thankful for amazing grace that brought you to this refuge, as flawed as it might be. Thank you for fighting through to reach this place. Your "shame" makes perfect sense to me. Who wants to admit that life is painful and difficult and thoughts are so dark? You're a strong and responsible woman and I honor you.
The song "A Mighty Fortress is Our God" just came from nowhere into my head. I know a line is "Tho' the wrong seems oft so strong, God is the Ruler yet."
Keep trusting, Jen. You're learning, growing, healing. Lean into the wisdom of Dr. Mind, your trustworthy support.
Dear Lord, the storms have not let up and yet Jen hopes in You. Deeply encourage her by the vision of the rainbow. Bring her through these storms to a place of refuge and safety. Thank you for her courage and honesty and strong strong work ethic. Help Jen also to lean hard on you and to find quiet moments to listen for Your encouragement.
Bring Jen abundant tidings of comfort and joy, glad tidings of peace.
Psalm 46
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and
the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Love, prayers and gentle (((hugs))),
Michal
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