Not good

This morning I woke up at 4:30, presumably with a nightmare.  It finally has occurred to me that now that I have my cat comfortable enough she isn't waking me constantly that when she does wake it is always coincidental to my having had a nightmare.  I must yell or thrash around or something that wakes her.  So I couldn't get back to sleep and spent a few hours curled up in the dark doing nothing but thinking.  I realized that I am feeling a little more depressed each day and that it was better to try again to reach Dr. Brain than to sit and wait to see if she happens to get the earlier email.  So I sent her another one, trying to say this is getting worse please make it stop but without being too dramatic.  My current fears are first that this is deteriorating.  I am more depressed every day now.  The increase in medication should have worked by now and it has not.  I can feel the hopeless monster grabbing at me and finding it hard to argue with that monster, especially after spending part of the afternoon also staring at a wall along with my morning fetal position time.  I feel there is pressure as well, because we have a certain amount of time to get me better and that's it.  Well, there's long-term disability but I don't want to go there.  There's also Christmas approaching rapidly and that means stress.  If I go into the next few weeks feeling bad I know from experience I"ll come out the other side feeling really bad.

I don't know what happens from here.  I don't know if that's why I'm not hearing back; the next obvious choice has potential issues and while I told her I've read about it and am willing to try with monitoring I don't know if she ethically can do that.  I'm afraid she feels worse than anticipated and just can't check email or that her work email isn't working at home.  This is the downside to not having someone cover me; if she isn't able to help then I have no way of knowing and no way to make decisions.   She could be consulting Dr. Mind which isn't going to help a lot since I'm worse in the 2 days since I saw him.

I just want this over with.  I am so very, very tired and also so very tired of not feeling well.  I'm tired of fighting to stay awake.  I'm tired of the color of this room, one I never liked but absolutely HATE now.  My Christmas wish was for a day or days of help from people who aren't asthmatic and can help with painting, etc.  If anyone comes through on that this room is going to be the first thing done because I hate it so much right now.

I'm also tired of whining.  I'm sorry.