Why I am Just Me

My greatest fear in beginning this blog was that someone could figure out who I am. I still am afraid of this, and as I hope to be gaining readers I want to explain, as hopefully it will help others to respect this. I know that some people are very bothered by anonymous internet participants, but the circumstances of my life mean that if the wrong person found out about my life there could be ugly consequences.

The truth is that I was very conflicted about this, because I am tired of living in a world that requires we hide mental illness. The first few lithium prescriptions I filled embarrassed me more than anything in the world. I once had teenagers yell negative comments at me as I walked through the parking lot of the counseling practice I visit weekly. I discovered early in this journey that it is best when those around me know I am bipolar. This allows them to be understanding of my bad times, as well as letting them help me see when it is time to take an ativan or even a day off.

I have always told the people in direct contact with me at work. I told the company I work for at the time I started and they have always been accomodating to whatever I needed. People always respected my privacy. Then 2 years ago I had a new co-worker who responded to being told with a lot of prejudice and unsolicited and stupid advice. About a month later I had to go on disability leave. She decided that it was a good idea to tell everyone who worked in that facility. When I returned to work I had been back about 5 minutes when someone came up and insisted on telling me all about how her son was in the psychiatric unit and on antipsychotics after a bad reaction to antibiotics or something. I thought this was very strange as I thought people would know what I asked them to be told: the diluted truth, which was that I had an adverse reaction to a medication and it had taken a long time to leave my system. I later discovered that people there were going so far as to say things like "what does she know, she's crazy" in reference to me in the middle of large team meetings. I became a convenient scapegoat for anything they didn't like, because they were certain I had no ability to function in any capacity.

In the next few months people attempted to make my life miserable at that facility. The complaints went so far and my company got so tired of them because they were so obviously not true that they moved me out of that building. (I work for a contract company and at that time I worked in multiple places). The next day I was going to another place owned by the same company, but where nobody had ever complained about me at all. I was informed that the powers that be had decided they "didn't like me" and did not want me in their facilities anymore. They had no problems with my therapy skills or anything else, they just didn't want me. I immediately said this was because of my bipolar disorder and was told it wasn't. However, those people had a history of firing women with disabilities and there was even a lawsuit pending.

I was transferred, given a raise, and settled into a new facility where I did not let anyone know I was bipolar for many months. I thought about suing but simply didn't have the energy. Over time I was able to get my boss to admit that the whole thing had been about discrimination.

Ironically I could probably announce on the loudspeaker system where I work now that I have bipolar disorder and nobody would care. But I will never be open about it in relation to work again. And because the internet is the amazing place it is I need to remain anonymous here so that there is never any connection to me and my job.