I've been making some big decisions. This can't happen until a few other things happen in the next year or 2, but I've reached the conclusion that hanging onto my house is just making life harder. I love my little house and I've worked so hard to make it be nice and I've achieved remarkable energy efficiency. But the mortgage is too much and then with utilities I have no possible way of ever being able to just buy sneakers when I need them. I'm also lonely. Or not lonely and that's worse. I'm content to be isolated and that's a big danger for me. Nobody is saying this but I'm pretty sure that my degree of suicidal risk this last year means that I am always at risk and being near someone would help. Regardless since I managed to voice my thoughts about this I've learned Dr. Mind is 100% behind it, my mom seems to agree, and so I'm just enjoying this last year I have in my house. The simple truth is that not only can I save a huge chunk of my tiny income, I also wouldn't depend on my mom for extra money and I wouldn't wind up with the disaster that would happen if I needed some major repair, like a new roof. The roof is new and should last 20 some years but by then there's no way my mom will be able to help and who knows what I'll be doing. So the crazy thing is that that although I hate seeing some of the indoor modifications that I wanted for years years but couldn't do because I was dealing with the external/energy problems. And chances are pretty good I won't like in the house very long after it is done. That kind of breaks my heart. And I don't know how we'll decide to handle my living situation, but I'll deal then I guess. I'll either be living with my mom in some time of apartment in her house or she'll purchase a teeny house or some land and a mobile home that I will pay her for. To save the most money I'll live with her but there are difficulties there (like what happens to me when she is gone). For sanity living very close but not right there is good. I don't know. The whole thing makes me cry. But I am a long way from a work approval for any work at all and it's getting harder every month to see a budget that once bills are paid and Dr. Mind is paid I barely can afford food. That's with only a small amount of credit card debt. It's frustrating and is not going to really improve ever until I figure out something I can do/want to, manage to get a job doing it (because I'm going to be vastly overqualified for whatever it is educationally and also will not only have been fired twice but will have this large gap in my resume that I will only describe as "health problems" which means they'll reasonably guess that I have permanent health problems. And while Ohio's jobless rate is now 8% lower than it was in 2009 my area brings that number up.
Anyway, that's the new plan. I feel very sad but also very resolute and aware this is the right thing.
As time marches on I'm still considering what will happen to the blog. I am not really feeling that I want to keep it so I suspect that I will be just leaving the archives up. But that could change with any number of things.
I think I'm going to shower. I was not planning to tonight so I could in the morning but I just feel like a shower.
I am tired. Two year olds have enough energy for 10 people at this stage of recovery from surgery and UTI and I've been with my niece for 2 days. She's the kindest person I have ever met. Out of the blue she asked me "are you recovering from your surgery?". When I tried to run with her and it hurt she said "oh from your surgery" and just kept on. She'll be in a caring profession someday. I can see her being like Dr. Sweetheart, the surgeon who makes sure her patients go to sleep and wake holding her hand and looking at her. Since I woke up, reacted to morphine and pretty much went back under I have a memory of a lot of activity to my left, then having an oxygen mask put on and the hand thing was used to get oxygen in while I was told to breathe. All that was just the morphine and not a big deal, but I remember mostly that I was looking at Dr. Sweetheart and holding her hand and I thought I was still going under until a few days later when I found out that the first dose of morphine and I didn't get along. It was just bizarre because I have been around healthcare long enough to know "big problem" "emergeny" "not emergency but must act fast" and "we can go slow and see what happens" and there was enough bustling to be in not emergency but must act fast and that was odd. If she weren't there it would have been harder and few surgeons would have been.
Getting sleepy. I am praying to fall asleep. I really could use that. We'll see.