Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Monday, November 05, 2012

Rough day

It has been 8 weeks since my surgery and tomorrow is one week from the all-clear. Which is good. However, the all-clear seems to come with pain from overdoing or ripping scar tissue. I did 8 minutes of gentle yoga yesterday and today I got very sore very quickly. Today I finally wore jeans. High-waisted, elastic banded jeans with a t-shirt and loose sweater since it's not possible to really cover my belly (I tried on a shirt the other day that fit great until the top of my belly and then after 2 buttons no more would fasten. When I showed my mom I was laughing so hard that I popped the semi-on next 2 buttons open) but it felt so nice to not be wearing the same few outfits. Since I'm going on vacation in a few weeks we've been trying to find some outfits that both look nice and fit. It's a tricky thing to do. So I felt so good going to see Dr. Mind. I'm not ready to go into part of this story yet on here, but suffice it to say that we were discussing some things in the future. I've sensed for a while that he has been trying to say something and the right chance hasn't popped up. So when we talked about that date in the future he reminded me that there is something already in the works that may be hard that year. Nearly 7 years ago when I started seeing him and had to make a rapid adjustment as my prior therapist found out she was moving to Luxembourg (couldn't make that up if I tried) and so I had 3 or 4 weeks to say good-bye and find someone else that I liked and then suddenly I was coping with this huge loss as well as some huge issues at work and lithium toxicity that took a while to diagnose and had me off meds for a while because they wouldn't stay down. I soon was on disability. Our first 8 months were make it or break it. Thankfully we clicked and I began to trust him. All along he told me that when his son was out of high school that he tentatively planned to move away. Today he reminded me that time is passing and if he leaves it will probably be in about a year and a half. Which is a long time off but it will pass quickly and the last year has made me be much more dependent on him because I had to trust him to help keep me alive, and then the PTSD treatment I did with him required me to say and discuss things I've never said, along with letting myself feel things I had never felt. When I knew words but not how to demonstrate the feeling he demonstrated for me. I didn't really get good at it but the point is that I've trusted him to practically live inside my head. Therapist loss has been rough for me because it's only gone fairly smoothly once and that time I didn't break away. Dr. Mind the 1st was during college and so I always knew that when I graduated that was it. We've stayed in touch and so I never had the loss then. In grad school my psychiatrist drowned. The school handled this stupidly, as they did most things. He died in something like early June. I like to think they were hoping that his body would be found and that's why they didn't tell us until August, but his body never was found and I only know what happened because of the internet. They just sent a letter to all his patients saying that he'd died suddenly and a new psychiatrist would start Sept 1 and we should make initial appointments. I wasn't close to that man. We didn't agree on treatment and he always seemed to be rushed. He did try as hard as he knew to help my sleep issues and I think given the situation he did everything he could. But his death was hard. I have never really had a normalm, logical ending with someone treating me over time. At the same time Dr. Mind knows me so well now that he can look at me and know how i am. He can catch me lying. He will tell me over and over and over to not feel guilty because of lying about being suicidal. When I first told him some of what happened to me when I was small he had his back turned but I could see his profile and I could see that he was angry and sad about that happened to me. For almost a year now he's supervised my meds. Now he doesn't do much more than give me a key, but for several months he watched to be sure I didn't run off with extras. He has been helping me see what I need to do to start adjusting to this new life. And there's no appropriate reaction. I want him to do what he has wanted to do for years. He deserves that. I also know it's not at all set in stone and I can't obsess about it yet, just I need to think about it as a potential event. My tears are about me. But he was never meant to be a part of my life forever. Sometimes it feels like nobody was. Regardless I don't want to move on. I really don't. I've known this for years and just because it is getting closer still doesn't give me the right to be this upset. He's not supposed to be a permanent part of my life. Changing to him was the best thing that could have happened to me. Perhaps that kind of change is needed again. I don't know. I just know that I don't want it to happen and I don't want to give up one of the only people who really make me feel safe. I can't stop crying. I think in many ways I just need to cry; I haven't cried in months, at least not like this. I've hormonally cried at commercials and that kind of thing, but this is eyes swollen, exhausted sobbing for hours. I can't even pray that this works out the way I want it to because that would be wrong. So, so sad. There is no appopriate response. I know he's not the only therapist in the world but he's only the 2nd who has really helped or had any idea what to do with me. Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

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