Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, December 02, 2012

Backlog/Jean Grey ?

I'm sorry, I have a number of comments and emails I want to answer.  This seems the best way to let everyone know that I will answer, I am still spending a lot of time crying and thinking about why I'm crying and it's a lot to handle.  My mom grieves differently than I do and that's added stress to grieving for the dog yet the tears have been for everything.  As of last night I had moved on to thinking a little about what I most dread, which is Dr. Mind leaving.  It's not certain, it's a long way off, but I'm getting the impression that it is more likely than he's said and that this is being gradually introduced.  And just typing those sentences makes me cry.  So thinking about it turns into crying myself to sleep.  I do not know how to cope with the idea of that kind of loss.  And I'm crying again so I'm not going there now.
But anyway, the last week has involved enough tears to drown in.  I'm also becoming pretty certain that I'm into the menopause process (I HATE the term peri-menopause) and that I don't just have hormonal issues from my hysterectomy.  That was rather predictable as I'd had some hot flashes and numerous other signs before the surgery, but I go a week or so and nothing odd happens and I decide it was just my body reacting to surgery.  And then I'll have a week of several, or I'll play the fun blankets on, blankets off game.  Last night I woke up drenched in about a gallon of sweat.  And it turns out even my migraines are probably related.

This week is busy.  Dentist tomorrow, then decorating my mom's Christmas tree.  Tuesday I see Dr. Mind and go to get some yarn for the purple hat my niece requested and said she'll wear (she won't).  Wednesday I am planning to go to a new local support group.  I'm anxious about that; I'm not sure it will be a good fit.  Or it will be a great fit and I'll feel bad then because I'll have to accept more about myself.  Thursday I may go see my niece.  Saturday I go up to see Dr. Brain and have to get there early to have labs done.  Dr. Brain is going to be a LONG appointment.  It's been a long time since we've really talked.  Last month I was doing well from having no real stress (and because vicodin stabilizes my mood but I can't take it for that.  I noticed that two other times; when I sprained my ankle vicodin for 5 days had me leveled out and before my other surgery when I took it for a while.)  I also have to talk to her about trying Topamax to prevent migraines.  There is not a single med that treats migraines when they hit that I can take and the other treatment option involves making my mom drive me 2.5 hours to the only ER I have charity care at and then waiting who knows how long before I can go back for narcotic injections.  That doesn't seem really useful as I'd never make it all that time in the car without it getting much worse.  So, topamax goes from something that was deemed probably not good for me because of cognitive side effects, back when I was working and needed more cognition, but before I had so much memory loss. I don't know what she'll say but I do know that my asking will tell her how ugly the migraines can be.  Jean Grey, didn't you have success with that?  Seems like you and I talked about it once but that was when my dr. was saying that the amount needed to stabilize my mood would make me cognitively unable to work.  Since I managed to achieve that anyway I am hoping I can try for a low-dose migraine control and if I get a bit of stabilization then great.

For those who pray my cousin just found out she is pregnant after her 2nd IVF cycle.  Please pray that she keeps this precious baby/babies.  She's been through everything and never was pregnant before so this is huge.  Her last cycle failed 2 days before her sister gave birth and I know that had to hurt horribly.

I'll catch up on emails/comments over the next few days.  Right now I'm going to try to put my nativity set out if I can do it without tears.  Then I'm going to paint my toes gaudy, glittery fun.  I'm discovered that I enjoy having secretly garish toes.  Because my birthmark is deep purple and on my hand covering 2 nails completely and splotches around others nail polish hasn't ever been a good option there; it clashes and draws out odd colors.  It not only accents the birthmark it accents the 2 fingers that are most affected which are shaped oddly and the nail beds are deep purple meaning that if the color isn't dark enough there is a weird purple tint to the polish.  Not pretty.  But toes I can do and nail polish is cheap enough I can even afford to pay to play.

I guess first I am going to feed the cat.  I moved their food to the basement when it was re-floored and while she knows where it is when she is really hungry she kind of panics and forgets (her own cognitive deficits) and so this time of night I take her down in my arms and make sure she gets enough to not wake me in the night.

Hopefully I'll start mourning and move on to talking soon.  I think this is the week Dr.Mind and I talk about him leaving.  I'm tired of him implying I should say something and that thinking of it makes me cry.  I can't cry over this now.

Ok, cat is about to self-destruct.


Anonymous said...

So much to deal with and think about. I was wondering - would it be better (somehow? in the long run? maybe?) to flat out ask Dr. Mind just what his plans are? And also, what that means for you and your future? Would it help to have a concrete answer, rather than worry and wonder about the unknown? I don't know Jen - just something to perhaps consider?

I hope some of those tears are healing tears. Prayers and good thoughts to you tonight - Becky

Jean Grey said...

I did take Topamax a while ago. I did have some serious short term memory problems- and the most terrible word finding difficulties I have ever had. But I also did most of my OT graduate school on it. Thankfully most of the tests were either multiple choice or take home, because my recognition memory was okay- but recall was awful.

I do find excedrine to be useful for migraines. It is tylenol, aspirin, and caffeine. Fortunately I haven't needed it since going back on lithium, but I don't think it is contraindicated.