Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, March 24, 2013

different than my usual depression

I've been very frustrated lately because I've been fighting depression for what seems like forever and nothing seems to be helping my cycle out of it.  I am tired of feeling sad and acting sad.  I've then become very frustrated because I am used to depression being something I cycle through and I'm not used to cycles lasting this long.  I started at the counseling center because I realized 10 years ago that I was unwilling to face a lifetime of psychiatric issues.  I've been back to that part, enough that suicide precautions are ramped up.  I'm not planning to hurt myself exactly, just wishing I didn't have to keep living when it hurts.  Dr. Mind made me ake a list of why I am so angry and when that turned into a 5 page list some of the answers came out.

I also finally learned that I am not cycling out of this because I have situational depression this time.  I am not used to this and because we don't know specifics yet about when I am going to be moving or even specifically where I'll be living.  Without something to adjust to apparently it is normal to keep feeling sad until I feel some more control.

I can't tell you how much this little bit of news is helping me.  I am surprsied because it doesn't change anything.  But knowing why something that should be familiar feels so different helps.

Now I just need to feel better.

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