Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Friday, March 01, 2013

Stressing me out

Dr. Brain has been in my life longer than almost anyone else.  It will be 10 years in April and I have seen her nearly every month since then.  I think we've missed 4 months.  She's been available via email and phone during all that time and has worked as hard as anyone could to keep me doing ok.  Dr. Mind reminds me when I get annoyed with her that she has saved my life a few times.  Still, sometimes she gets distracted and doesn't get things done very efficiently.  This has only been true since her cancer and I know it is because she made conscious choices at that time to be with her family and other interests more.  She told me that while holding me while I cried the month I applied for SSDI, to not let myself be so caught up in wanting to work that I had to learn hard lessons from cancer as she had.

Right now she is making me so anxious I could scream.  In early December I discovered that I wasn't eligible for assistance with the patch.  Since then I've been waiting for her to try to get them to continue providing them as a mercy measure.  As of today I have 23 patches left.  If I am weaning I probably only need 7 of them for the wean since they'll get cut and then I'll go to the few lower dose ones that I have left.  However, I need to be able to make some big decisions and they are partially hinging on whether or not I'm going to be going through tremendously difficult times in a few weeks.  These are decisions like when I am moving, something I am not willing to cope with if I have to add depression to what I'm already feeling.  se At this point I have to assume that the drug company isn't going to help.  They haven't requested any information from me and they would need to start sending patches pretty soon if there isn't going to be a gap in my meds.  If not....I don't know anything for sure.  I haven't had a chance to ask questions since they were all hypothetical and I won't see her until this is over one way or another.  I know what med I want to be on because it's the only MAOI I can afford.  I haven't gotten confirmation that this will happen.  I don't want to haust ve to fight the hospital dr. about that.  There are so many things that seem so big to me and I feel like she is devaluing even while I know there are other things going on.

I just am tired of waiting.  Had I known I wouldn't know until days before I would have adjusted expectations but as it is  I've been expecting to know something for months.

This isn't close to my biggest problem but it is the one that feels like it is causing blisters.  So tired of this particular worry and thinking answers were forthcoming.

No comments: