So right now I am facing some of the more painful aspects of my illness. Basically it because apparent that I could get away with saying that I was temporarily not doing well but could go back to where I was 6 months or a year ago, but 2 year is not realistic. Two years means that for right now this is it, and what's more it's really more defining than I thought. I've been working to accept that my memory problems, the uncontrolled mood swings, the inability to follow multistep directions, the inability to remember all the safety things that are part of life like turning off stoves, the looks on people's faces when I talk and they can see the confusion and difficulty expressing myself. I've come to avoid interaction with strangers as much as possible to protect myself from this and that's probably not good.
We've talked a lot in counseling about how I need to accept help and ask for help and how I don't know how. The first day we talked about it I wound up making the whole session stop while I sobbed so loudly and so hard that there was no talking until that settled. I cried like that again for a day or two after it and then just cried. I wrote a great deal, which I typically do after each session, but I knew I couldn't say things this time without that same crying so I asked Dr. Mind to read it. He pointed out the anger that I didn't know was there but which I can admit to myself at least is although I'm not sure why. He also pointed out some hopelesss, sad statements that I had no idea I'd written that way. But we talked more about it, with me crying semi-quietly through the hour and I was surprised how frustrated I am and how much it makes me feel like I don't get to be an adult anymore when I'm moving back with Mommy. I am afraid of having no privacy. And then I said that I realized a good reason to not be here anymore but one that also makes me feel trapped is that here I always had the space and time for suicide to be an out. There it will be harder. I really didn't know I was holding that thought at all and it scares me. Which is probably a good thing. I also realized why I am still on precautions. I have known for a long time that they worry that if I try it I will succeed. I think partly it comes from my approach to it the last time and partly it's because I know enough about meds to use it to my advantage if I want. Which I don't. But I probably just kept myself on precautions forever.
While all this is going on and I'm crying randomly whenever a thought occur to me like how much I am isolating myself of late any I was and how I don't just not know how to ask for help, I don't know how to face that my serious disability that I controlled is now my very serious disability that I take 20 some pill per day to control (including vitamins but they're brain vitamins mostly) and that I am not getting good control anyway and it may be this was. I've known for over a year that I probably need a new antipsychotic that works well with Seroquel before I'll improve and that there isn't anything rapidly approaching release and the only remaining choices aren't appropriate. I just didn't realize how sick I would be during this time.
I feel like I'm fighting a huge battle to accept reality. Some of it I'm doing my very best to avoid still. Some I'm not sure I'm ready for. Other parts I have to think about a lot more. I need to say Yes, I'm mad that people gave me hope. I know that is silly since they didn't promise anything but nonetheless I didn't think I'd be 37 and here. I'm also trying to realistically look at how I need help. The truth is while cooking is something I always enjoyed I don't do it anymore. I have stopped because I make too many errors and melt too many things/burn too many things. Any day now my renewal packet for my OT license will arrive. I have to put my license in escrow. In 2 years my national certification will expire and I won't be a licensed OT anymore. I'll be retired in good standing. I dread that packet so much that I'm fighting to not just avoid the post office.
I don't know. I am cried out for today and apparently getting tired. I just never expected this to get so hard. I thought the hard part would be ending my career; I didn't realize my whole life was going to change. I guess now I know.