In which there is nothing to say

I've been fighting depression. And a stomach virus. I  am not coping at all well with the upcoming move. I bravely tried looking at mobile homes.  I liked some but they are much more expensive than anticipated from our research.  By the time the  options were in place it would be hard to imagine paying the huge amount of  money.  So a contractor who has done a lot of work on my mom's house has been engaged to come up with ideas. I need to stop getting invested in anything until it what happens.  I need certainty and  so I latch onto an idea and then that doesn't work out.  And the whole thing is just  painful.  It feels like I failed.  I guess I truly believed I could get this house paid off. I was wrong.  I did at least realize that I think that if we can in any way make a separate area for me that is better than living in my mom's house, for both our sakes and expressed that. Which is a big  thing.

Mostly I'm frustrated because I thought a year would make me better and while I am better not working isn't quite the miracle that I thought it would be.  I guess I thought that it would have some effect like the medication that understand isn't available might have. I'm beginning to be more realistic about it I think.  I''m working on convincing people (so far no arguments) that I want my cognition tested. For one thing it gives a baseline since I clearly have some issues and I am at increased risk just because of how my disease has progressed.  The longer it lasts and the more episodes you have increase your rick.  I've had so many major episodes i can't even guess at the number.  Each one increases the risk of cognitive issues by 6%.  So while I still think it's very likely that something happened in my first surgery I also think that when I'm reading this stuff usually hits in the 40s to 50s it would make sense to hit a little earlier.  It could be menopause as well and that may somehow be connected to surgery #1.  Regardless I don't like it.  I also want documentation so when I go through my disability review I can show that I truly have some problems that make it hard to grocery shop, much less work.

Saturday I'll find out the outcome of project keep me on my patches.  That's also making me depressed as it is just indescribable what I'll be facing and that's an educated statement.


So  basically lots of stuff is bugging me (and more is not listed) and most of it I can't control.  That's a big issue right there:  I have too little control over things.  Even little things are beyond my grasp.

This isnot even worthy of publication but oh well.