Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Heartbreak

I managed to hurt my older niece at Christmas, badly.  I can't stop feeling terrible about it.  She's so upset and not moving on easily (more on part of why later) but we've never had hurt between us before and I can't make this better.

Christmas is nearly always overwhelming.  I was doing pretty well but my brother yelled at me for letting his dog out (she pushed past me and through a door that doesn't latch).  He was really upset about something totally different but he took it out on me and I was upset and so some of my be careful with the girls filters were off when they shouldn't have been.  I was teasing Anne and her back was to me so that she didn't see that I was teasing.  Mistake one.  And then in telling her I was teasing instead of saying I was teasing I said I was lying.  And that hurt her.  She cried and cried then and we finally got her to calm down and I thought it was ok.  It was a little weird that she positively refused to try on her cape I made for her but she was so overwhelmed with Christmas that I thought it was that.

When she came up last week she was being kind of mean to me.  Mean in 3 year old at least.  Everything I did made it worse.  And so finally at supper one night it came up and my mom and sister had her talk about her feelings about worrying that I'd lie to her and we talked about word choices and the like.  By the end she ate dessert on my lap and seemed a little better.

And then that evening she got sick.  She is now 5 days into fevers, coughing, aching, sore throat, etc.  She went to urgent care here because her mom had a positive strep test 24 hours before she got sick but hers was negative.  Then she got REALLY sick and went to urgent care at home.  We're still waiting for results from there but she probably has H1N1.  So does the baby.  And so do I.

So she was undoubtedly more sensitive last week because she was getting sick.  I just couldn't handle the hurt of having hurt her and that probably had to do with my own developing illness as well as this is just a terrible thing.   I never want to hurt either of the girls.  I think it's time to introduce the idea that Aunt Jen's brain sometimes makes mistakes but we need to be healthy first.  The goal all along has been for her to grow up with enough information that my diability seems natural to her and is never a bombshell.  I just wish  I hadn't hurt her by poor judgment caused by being overwhelmed quite so soon.  I also wish she'd touch the stupid cape.  Not only because I put a lot of work into it and it's the first thing I've really designed myself that I've made but because I know it's something she's wanted and would lovce and she's refusing it out of hurt and anger and so she's hurting herself, not me (although I'll admit to being very, very sad about it.  THis was supposed to be a favorite gift and she hasn't touched it in nearly 3 weeks, even with encouragement.  My sister doesn't want to make a thing of it, which is very valid, but it's just killing me.

Otherwise I've exposed Dr. Brain to whatever I have and if it is H1N1 Dr. Mind as well.  I was just tired yesterday until evening and then I thought I had strep until i woke up this morning with a cough and runny nose and oh the body aches.  It's time for tylenol now, finally, in fact.  I've been counting minutes for 2 hours.  I'm not dreadfully ill but I certainly don't feel good and if Anne is positive for influenza and especially H1N1 I"m stuck inside for a week or so.  That is one contagious bug.  It's also possible that I/we (the girls and I) have both influenza and strep.  I don't think my throat is that sore but I've never had throat pain with strep so who knows.

Anyway, I'm a terrible aunt but I was repaid by lots of germs and I am feeling so sorry for those 2 little girls.  All the baby wants to do is nurse or she cries and her sister has watched a lifetime worth of tv because she isn't up for much else.

I'm going to try to watch a movie now.  The cough syrup is making me sleepy but I have to do a nebulizer treatment in another hour.  Bad timing.

Watch here for some exciting news.

1 comment:

Michal McAllister said...

Oh, may the fog of illness and emotional pain soon lift! I just know there are breakthroughs coming. You have been an excellent aunt and this challenge can't permanently change that truth and bond. Little Anne is not too young to begin learning forgiveness and tolerance. Look how much she has learned as a compassionate big sister. You know that the families of the ill and/or disabled often become mature and wise as they handle these challenges. There is great hope for healing and growth.

Please try not to "beat yourself up" as you grieve for the real pain of this mistake. You are a loving, giving and pro-active lady with a strong track record of going above and beyond your comfort level and even your strength in giving of yourself to help your family and pets.

I pray you will get more much-needed sleep. Getting up with your beloved kitties takes a severe toll on your rest!!

If you're up to reading a little, I thought this article had some excellent viewpoints.

http://lifehacker.com/10-things-to-stop-saying-to-your-kids-and-what-to-say-474962146

Always learning along with you,

Michal xoxo <><

p.s. The "word" I have to type in to prove I'm not a robot is "gradualness." It's not a real word but it's a timely reminder that little by little, things change. Be encouraged that things will move gradually in a very positive direction because that is the intention of your loving and giving heart!