Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Cycling defined a whole new way

Coming off lithium, frankly, sucks.  My mood is everywhere.  I have cried repeatedly because things remind me of Geraldine's tumor and how blessed we are to still have her and that she is here when enough is known that she is monitored for years to be sure it doesn't come back.  It is so rare and that is partly because most babies with this don't survive to birth or don't survive birth.  My sister is getting rid of all of her baby things and that is sad to see, even though it is probably for the best. This tumor puts future babies at risk for a totally different yet more debilitating set of issues and pregnacy and my sister are not good friends.  (This last one was so hard because her body was responding to the tumor by producing excess fluids so she was enormous and in a great deal of pain from that.)  Syria news has to be avoided or I sob (which is a pretty rational response).  Seeing how much better my cat is and how she has suffered makes me teary.  I could go on and on with things that have made me cry.

I increased my topamax dose and although I was on this dose before and didn't have sedation issues this time it kicked butt.  I have been asleep most of the last several days.  Today I finally didn't nap all day.  However my mom is sick so I stayed upstairs to avoid the germs.  We keep getting things but never the same thing so that there is a constant contagion risk.

I have spent a lot of time thinking how much I need m own space, which is just not likely for several more months.  It is hard to need to sleep and have someone watching tv at what is a loud setting for me but not for her.   I just miss the simplest things, like my foods.  My mom and I don't eat the same.  I will eat what she eats but she doesn't like my foods so I've been eating her stuff for months.  I miss my own.  Someday.

The transition has just messed with everything.  I'm sometimes really agitated and annoyed with everything and struggling to keep my mind and hands safely busy and much of the time I'm just depressed.  I'm having lots of nightmares and am throwing myself around in my sleep so much I almost fell out of bed one night.  It feels like my brain is yelling "lithium?  Lithium??? LITHIUM????????" and nothing responds.  It has been 2 weeks now so hopefully this will improve.

I watched my nieces one day last week and it wasn't the best I've ever done.  The baby was fussy and didn't seem to feel well and wasn't taking bottles.  Her sister felt ignored I think and threw a huge tantrum.  I have to get a routine going with them again and it's hard.  This week I don't know if I'll make it because I have migraine clinic Thursday which is very likely to kick my butt.  I have to figure out if staying up there afterwards makes sense or not because I thin the chances of getting a migraine from having bright lights shined in my eyes is great and I"d be driving home in rush hour and then the dark.  But I don't know about the $....it's hard.

I think it's hard pretty much describes life right now.  I am just so tired.  I no longer feel as sure that I'll fail this lithium stoppage trial as I was, but I don't feel like this is good either.  We'll see I guess.  Some of it depends on the topamax leveling off and seeing if that helps.  So far it is just frustrating because sleeping 20some hours per day isn't very helpful.

On the other hand I have had lots of time to work on a family tree and chased my great-grandfather's side clear back to 1400 in England.  I found a possible Sir _____  __________ (Phillip probably, everyone was named Phillip) and also evidence that one ancestor was an early settler in Massachutes, having to meet requirements to show allegience to Britian prior to being allowed to emigrate.  That was pretty neat.  Only a manic person would do what I did in a few days but oh well. 

So that's the fun that is my life currently.  Tonight I'm on less topomax so I have a chance of waking up to go see Dr. Mind.  Normally I might trade days but I've done that so many times lately I hate to and we need some groceries and stuff and with my mom sick I need to get them.  Our driveway is so bad Olympic events could be completed on it (the luge in particular) and I prefer to combine trips up and down as they are a scary adventure.  (It is uphill from the road, curves, is pretty well pure ice and the side goes over a steep embankment into a little wooded area.  Going over that embankment would hurt and probably total a car.)  I can barely make it up with AWD and the car in 1st.  We are supposed to get some rain Thursday and I really pray we do to melt some of it off before another storm (not the next storm, that is here or coming soon, but the one after that).

So, more when I've left my bed more than 2 times in a week.

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