Paranoia

One of the hardest parts of this kind of episode is that I become paranoid.  And I know it so I watch for it, but it means I wind up not trusting myself about anything.  But I also worry obsessively about interactions with other people that strike me as off in any way, assuming they are annoyed with me.  And usually they aren't.

Today it is Dr. Body.  He's been a little different when I saw him and then this email today.  When I saw him I was just surprised because he seemed less thorough than he used to be.  But he could have been busy and just hurrying; he said he was going to divide up catching everything up over a few appointments so that I don't get hit with a huge bill.  I appreciate that.  But it was weird and I was watching for weird because his practice was bought out by a hospital I don't like a whole lot.  So if he is going to be less thorough because of that hospital I'm going to be less thrilled with him.  But mostly it is my feeling like I annoyed him with an email that is bothering me and chances are very good I didn't and if I did I wrote it when I was manic and he knows perfectly well that I am sometimes manic and not as clear as other times.

I'm also obsessing about not seeing my nieces enough.  The baby is sitting up.  She won't be a baby forever and I am losing out on that time with her.  Anne is only 18 months from school.  And once that starts things will never be the same.  I know I'll feel better and have time with them again and my sister said they'll bring them up if I'm not better soon.  But I'm just tired of having my life and any routine disrupted by this stuff.

I'm also in no place to start talking about all of this.  I got a little more sleep by taking my PRN klonopin with my bedtime meds last night.  But I still don't feel good and am so thankful that I see Dr. Brain tomorrow.  If she can make the obsessive anxiety end that will be a huge blessing.

I did manage to do 3 loads of laundry and take a shower today.  That's huge. It was all because I had to pretty much but at least I did it. 

I have to finish a letter begging a drug company to subsidize my expensive Emsam habit.  That is far from easy at this point.  I really just need to fill in blanks but that is hard in itself right now.