Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Oh so rough

My mom's friend has had some complications (nothing terrible but very difficult for him) with his surgery and so she's been gone more.  Yesterday she wound up staying at the hospital all night and so my brother came down.  I spent hours with him and while it was ok I'm not so ok now.  It was so uncomfortable because there are so many things that feel like they should never be mentioned, yet how do you not mention normal things? 

I had to cancel Dr. Mind and of course now I'm crumbling like toast.  So I'm wavering on trying a phone session, something that is generally not that helpful.  I want to just be able to drive but I can't yet have my leg down that long.  All kinds of feelings about my brother came out and so I couldn't sleep last night.  When I did get a nap this afternoon I dreamed that Dr. Mind was leaving in a few months and that I was regretting "wasting" these last months that I know I'll have him.  And the truth is that I have no idea if that is true; I didn't understand what he told me about the decision being postponed and I just was glad to accept that a few months ago.  Now I am back to needing to know and yet I don't think that's a phone call kind of discussion.  So I don't know what to do, try to wait a week or try to call in.  I guess I'll decide based on what happens with sleep.

Dr. Brain gave me a med adjustment but it hasn't worked out to do it yet.  It potentially involves being really sedated and that has to happen when I don't need to be anywhere, am not feeling totally uncomfortable b/c my bother is here or am going to be very much on my own.  So I've not tried it but it seems like I shouldn't complain until I do.

I'm anxious about my dr appointment Wednesday because I am afraid that he will brush off my foot pain in my good foot which is limiting my mobility significantly.  I also am afraid that the boot I get this week will cause more pain because it is even more awkward than a cast.  It's also a very long day and I don't feel like it right now.  I have decided that once that boot is on I'm going to start driving if it is at all possible.  I am so tired of being dependent and I need to get to Dr. Mind when I need to do that.

Some of this is just because I've spent 5 1/2 weeks in bed or on the couch, some is because of the cancer diagnosis with the friend who is part of our family, part is seeing my brother, part is not enough sessions with Dr. Mind lately , part is that I am struggling with seeing my old cat get sicker, some is that i thought I'd lost weight but apparently I haven't, I just have a more toned abdomen and wasn't getting an accurate reading on the scale, part is my nightmare of Dr. Mind leaving, but I'm just tired of everything and everything feels stressful.  i don't even think it's my mood, I think it's just entirely LIFE.

I am just so tired and so very ready to do things myself again.

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