Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Friday, August 01, 2014

Who is the grumpiest person in the neighborhood?


The good news is that Dr. Mind is not leaving until at least December if at all and he sounds uncertain that he would take the job that may be an issue in December.  I am making myself believe that he is leaving for sure but I think that the reality is that it is not all that likely.  It's just easier to be prepared and wrong that not prepared and wrong.  It's so hard to think about him being gone.  I've worked incredibly hard to learn to trust him and then to even like him and respect him and I can't imagine life without him.  I have only 2 people in my life who aren't family who I've had longer relationships with.  And I know that it bothers him to leave me when he knows how hard it is to consider.  He's never treated anyone as long as he has treated me and so the relationship is unique.  I'll just be glad when things are settled which should be in the next 2-3 months I think.

Otherwise I'm grouchy.  We talked a lot last week about my need to set boundaries with my family getting even more important with my brother potentially moving here to stay with my mother.  That too is now delayed until about December but about then it will become absolutely necessary if he hasn't been arrested.  Which is a crappy way to say it since it sounds like the arrested is a positive alternative and it's not.  Even my mother finally understands and admits that he is going to be in jail for years.  I'm glad that she has accepted this but it still sucks because it is painful regardless of what you believe and the reality is even more difficult.

So I have proceeded to stand up to my sister this week which was appropriate but somehow didn't feel quite right and I've been frustrated whenever I didn't succeed at getting people to listen to me.  We went to the fair yesterday and rented a wheelchair.  I requested that it have legrests that elevate so my leg could be straight out instead of hanging down.  When they loaded it I didn't thing the legrests were right and I kept trying to say "are those elevating legrests?" and my mother kept talking over me saying they were legrests and they were fine and she wouldn't let me finish asking the person loading it and she wouldn't listen herself so I gave up and assumed she'd seen the things and verified they were what I was asking for. So we got to the fair and of course they were not the kind I needed. Which made me really mad and I didn't show that but it just turned into grouchiness whenever  got frustrated, like when I said "oh, I want to eat that" and thn 5 minutes later when we were far from the stand my mom said "so do you know what you want to eat?" to all of us and my sister and I were both saying "uh, Jen said what she wanted".  I then said "You are REALLY NOT LISTENING today" and she didn't like that much.  But it turned out that while the fair was so much fun and spending time with my nieces was great there was a lot that I couldn't see or do and that was frustrating.  At one point Anne wanted to try an activity and had 20 minutes in line for the 20 minute activity.  I couldn't push my wheelchair anywhere so I had 20 minutes sitting on a bench watching the baby nap, a few minutes of pushing my wheelchair and then 20 plus minutes of waiting while she did her activity, part of that time completely alone because my mom took the baby to a bench far from where I was sitting so she could watch.  So I sat and stared at absolutely nothing since I couldn't see anything but the backs of 2 men on the bench in front of me.  I woudn't have cared if I could have done something during that time, like push the sleeping baby to an exhibit but I couldn't and my mom was too tired and so we sat.  I wound up feeling like I had fun in some parts of the day but that it would have been much easier without me and my mom would have had more fun if she weren't too tired from pushing a wheelchair around to take the sleeping baby to some exhibit.

There are other examples but it all comes down to I've been really anxious for several weeks and that's making waiting to heal much more difficult.  It's great to have the walking cast and that's greatly improved the quality of my life but it also has meant that my mom doesn't feel like helping until things are really bad, so the few things I still can't do pile up.  I have to go downstairs every time I need clean clothes because I can't carry the laundry up and she hasn't responded to the request to bring them up.  I need clean sheets but she hasn't helped with them and I can't do that yet.  Today she wasn't feeling good so that's one thing but she is complaining constantly of fatigue and pain that I think is either somatizied depression or fibromyalgia and she refuses to see the doctor or get treatment.  So instead she is just complaining and making me feel guilty that I need any help and I wind up making do without help and then I feel guilty for complaining.  It's a mess.  I know this summer has been chaotic for her.  I've done my best to reduce that.  But I can't stand the guilt and it is increasing my anxiety immensely and then the grouchiness.

So things are about the same here.  I am trying to be patient and heal and the longer that everything is such a huge deal to have help with the more I want to rip the cast off and start screaming that I can do it myself and I'm sorry for ever needing anything.  Which isn't helping anyone.

And now I must hike down to the dryer for pajamas.  This I think 4 days of having to go down there twice a day for clothes.  And while I can do stairs it is hard work and doesn't feel extremely secure yet. (I have a boot over my cast to let me walk.  It has a rocker bottom so I can't stand flat-footed and secure, ever and when it is swollen like today it is less safe feeling.)

I am so hot and tired. I am going to have to turn the air conditioner on.  Hate that but it's now officially inevitable.  I liked the cool spell in July. We don't get those often.

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