Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, November 27, 2014


This time I've been quiet for 2 reasons.  One is that not only have I been slowly healing from my scar tissue tear (it took 3 weeks) but 2 weeks ago I started having migraines for the first time in quite a while and they wound up clustering and I spent most of a week either asleep or wishing I was.  I've taken crazy combinations of meds to get any relief at all and today has been the first day without pain.  But I'm exhausted from them (when they cluster it takes me a while to recover) and so even today I didn't do much.  Hopefully I'm make it through 2 Thanksgivings in a row.  I missed Dr. Mind and PT this week, neither of which was probably a good idea but I was so out of it on Dr. Mind day and PT was supposed to be a re-evaluation and I did not feel good and didn't want to have that make me look like I wasn't progressing when it was really my brain re-setting itself (I usually have a few days of bad balance and some neuro stuff after the migraines cluster).

The other thing is just that this is hard.  We are having 2 Thanksgivings to accommodate family needs at this time and the 2nd is hard because we all know it is probably the last we'll have as even a partial family for some time because by next year my brother will probably be in prison.  I am trying to be as strong and supportive for my mom as I can be; I realized all at once that some of the absolute dread she's been feeling and the pain surrounding these holidays is fear on her part.  If my brother were to get a long sentence this could be the last holidays she ever has with him.  Realizing that changed everything and frankly broke my heart a little.  I wish it were all different.  I wish it were like it was 2 years ago when we went on vacation for Thanksgiving and the whole family had fun and were relaxed together.  Last year was just my brother, mom and I because it was my sister's year to go to her in-laws.  And that was ok too.  This is a lot harder to be ok with.  It is so sad and leaves questions about what do you possibly say to make it not seem awful?  It is his fault and this is because of his choices.  That's how I remember that it is not a random, unfair thing.  But that doesn't change the pain for my mom, the pain for me, and the loss that comes between this holiday season and next.

I wish I understood how you could make choices that risked everything, not just for you but for your family.  I don't.  I don't think I ever will.  But I have to not be resentful because that helps nobody.

It does mean that I don't know what to say here.  I want to be able to be open and just talk about what I'm talking about.  But I can't do that because of legal issues and the fear that I could hurt someone even more.  So I avoid it.

I never thought that this could happen, that someone in my family would make blogging the wrong thing to do.  But it did and I miss it.  But I also can't hurt others and certainly can't risk doing something legally wrong.

So instead I hope we get through the next 2 days.  Tomorrow will be easier because it is with my nieces and they make wonderful distractions.  But Friday, that will be rough I'm afraid.  And I'll probably pay for not seeing Dr. Mind to talk about it in advance on top of it being hard.  But my sleeping in his office didn't seem worthwhile.  I don't know.  I'll just be glad it is done.

1 comment:

Jean Grey said...

I'm glad you had Thanksgiving with your nieces. Sorry about the other stuff.