Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Down, down, down

I've had a pretty spectacular run on mood stability.  Nearly 9 months with only one brief mania.  (And the effects of my asthma meds but those don't count).  The last month though all I've wanted to do is sleep.  This has partly been because of many migraines but it goes well beyond that.  For so long I kept thinking it was the virus I had and that the migraines were related.  Today I finally had another definitive symptom and so I know now that I am depressed.  (I completely forgot to eat for at least 15 hours.  I think I ate some fruit at 6 AM and didn't eat or drink anything until I finally remembered at 9 pm.  Classic symptom for me).

I am sure some of it is chemical; this is about the time that I usually can start using my SAD light although this year I'm not there yet.  (Some years I never get to use it).  Some of it was kind of a last-straw thing with a disagreement with Dr. Mind that I truly think is him not understanding what I've been trying to say for the last several weeks, an idea he disagrees with strongly.  I've been through it over and over and I cannot see his side as right even when I try to assume it is accurate and I'm not, so I really don't know.  If I didn't have PT I would have gone back to see him again this week but I do have PT and am going to see my nieces Friday and so I just didn't have time to see him and still have a day to lounge around doing nothing more than washing some dishes, loading the dishwasher and making a couple of Christmas ornaments (really simple ones).  

I'm just sad.  This is Christmas with my family divided and I'm more ok with that than my mom is.  My mom is having a tough time with this Christmas, probably the last with my brother for a while and honestly it is heartbreaking to watch her do what she needs to do to make it feel right to her.  I understand, it's just hard to watch because it's another reminder that next year all we'll be allowed to give him are very specific underwear, socks or money into his "account".  I don't expect Christmas to be bad, something Dr. Mind doesn't understand, I just see a lot of sadness in the preparations and in the discussions we're having.  I think he would prefer I not talk to her because I disagree and I think he does't think that conflict is good but the truth is we both have to talk to someone and there aren't a lot of people out there who you can talk to about this easily.  We need each other right now.  Agree or disagree, we just need that.  I know I'm the only person she can talk to about many parts of it.  And that is good and bad; the bad comes when I struggle with what she has said and then feel angry but can't do much about it because she is not in a place I'm about to snap at her.  So I think Dr Mind is seeing the anger and misinterpreting it.  I really don't know.  

It is hopeful that the indictment will not come before Christmas.  My mom has been sure that couldn't possibly happen and I've been terrified it would.  But I assume that the courts are closed on the 24th, so only 4 more days and that's safe.  I don't know if she could handle it if he were indicted before Christmas is over.  

I'm sad for other reasons too, all sorts of them.  I'm sad because I'm about to enter the part of healing from ankle surgery where PT is done, I have lots to work on myself and I will keep improving but also will not be doing things completely normally until summer.  I slipped on ice today, fortunately banging my arm into the house and catching myself before landing on my butt but ice is going to be an enemy all winter.  I am not risking injury.  I can do most things now but still have a while before I can do anything I want.  I'm sad because my uncle is dying and I know my aunt and cousins are hurting every day right now.  I can't really explain my relationship with this uncle; he's not my blood uncle but he is the most stable male role model I had as a child and he took 5 children born within 3.5 years to all kinds of things just as if all were his own.  His house was a safe place and I love him for that.  

I could go on.  Honestly I have just reached the end of my patience with myself at this point.  Some of this is so complicated.  I don't know how to explain how I feel about so much.  I don't know what to do with the fear that comes with any episode at this point, where increasing my Emsam is a last ditch resort because it leaves no room to go up at all if I do and it also increases the food and med restrictions to a higher level whcih is not a problem since I follow that anyway for migraine control.  I think she might increase my Seroquel once more if I can tolerate the side effects.  I have one now that may prevent me from going up (urinary hesitation bordering on urinary revolt at times; a bit worse than on tricyclics so tolerable but not ideal.  She doesn't like it though).  There are no other drugs that I'm on that can increase and no other ones that we want to add.  The next anti-pscyhotic is selected if it comes to needing a boost Seroquel can't give but it's not the ideal situation.  Other things are bothersome and then there is just a little fear of being depressed at Christmas; this isn't like the year I was in the hospital for Christmas and nearly 2 weeks but it is too close to the same timing.  And that was an awful Christmas.  Playing Monopoly with a kid who made the game miserable enough that I lied to get out of playing more and ridiculous hospital food disguised with fancy words to make it sound like a holiday meal.  

I need to just relax, rest, and get through tonight.  Tomorrow I will have had time to adjust to this realization that things aren't stable.  I will watch to be sure I'm eating (I think I didn't eat yesterday either) and I'll rest as much as I need to.  And life will go on, no matter how I feel.

1 comment:

Jean Grey said...

I'm sorry things are bad. I'm sorry things are bad for the holidays. I hope you can find some moments of joy.