This week Something Very Hard is happening. Although it is highly related to having bipolar disorder, I can't really be more specific without getting a little too close to the boundaries I set for myself regarding anonymity.
Consequently I am doing something I've never really done before. Since I'm crying when thinking the word "Tuesday", I am planning ahead to be depressed. I'm making a grocery list of things I may be willing to eat, which can be complicated as when I'm depressed I tend to have very specific food cravings which change from episode to episode, and right now is further messed up because I have a probable ulcer and a lot of foods make me sick, combined with nausea from starting many medications. Tomorrow I'll leave the house (something I rarely do on a Sunday) to go to the store. I'll also be refilling any prescriptions that may run out in the new few weeks because going to the pharmacy is an annoying trip in the best of circumstances and when I don't feel well I've been known to go without meds rather than drive in to town. I'll also buy several books as I'll need something to do and I'm rarely able to handle paying attention to tv or movies. I also am going to buy supplies for a home improvement project, which hopefully I will be able to handle as distraction.
I also am unlikely to be posting here for a while. I could be wrong, but I don't want to post about what will be most heavy on my mind. I also will be fairly strongly sedated with medication adjustments, and I try to limit what I say when I'm not in a place to monitor my words. It will probably be about a week, less if I find something to say.
Just please don't give up if the most recent post is a week old. I will be back.
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2 comments:
It looks as if you're starting new meds, and I'm ready to quit mine, seems like another irony. Losing my identity to the meds and yet becoming a "better" person in the eyes to the average person. A huge part of me wants to be as nature intended, but I ache for my highs like a freaking junkie, and the only ways to simulate that feeling are both expensive and felonious. Good luck with your project, or whatever.....(you are pretty ambiguous)
To be less ambiguous, since it's been months...at that time the therapist I had worked with for years was leaving. I had been having a lot of vomiting and stomach pain and they thought I had an ulcer or needed my gall bladder removed. I couldn't take my meds because I threw them up. I was taking several weeks off work to get back on meds (I'd gone from high levels to virtually nothing) and adjust to my new therapist and knew I was about to be really sick. However, I also knew I was very fortunate to have not been very sick from not taking meds.
As it turned out I didn't succeed at getting back on meds, so I went through treatments for ulcers and lost a lot of weight and then suddenly I crashed. Harder than ever before and I've been very sick before. It turned out partly I had lithium toxicity pretty badly and once that was fixed I've been able to take my meds easily. However, I'm now in my 3rd month of disability and I'm still really sick.
I would not recommmend stopping meds. I'm sicker than I can describe, sick enough I don't know if I'll ever get better and nobody can tell me.
Please, talk to your doctor. If he or she won't work to make it all feel normal, find someone else. I know the routine and believe me, a doctor who cares and specializes in bipolar is worth it.
I promise, crashing and having to get back on, no fun....Email me if you want to know more.
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