Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Therapy should be easy

It seems like sitting in a comfortable chair and talking should be easy. Especially since I usually am just talking about my own life, something I'm pretty familiar with and honest with myself about.

It's not.

I don't talk a ton about therapy because I'm just not comfortable with that; the details of what goes on there seem to invasive. But it is part of my life, and it will be for a very long time. Sometimes it is weekly, but there's always the possibility I'll need more, and it still seems to be about monthly I need an extra visit.

Sometimes it is hard work because I have to face things I don't like, or learn to do things that are just plain hard. This summer I worked very hard to learn to let go and cry. That's a lesson I probably could use some revisiting right now, as I'm stressed and feeling like the tears will start at any moment and not stop. Sometimes the concepts are just painful, like learning that not only do my moods and behaviors show, but that at least this person is capable of reading a lot of it better than I can. Sometimes it is hard because it feels like it is absolutely overwhelming and that I am doing absolutely everything wrong in my whole life and how do I fix THAT?. Sometimes I want it to just stop, or for it to just be easy. I could make it easy, I could pick a therapist who was more about helping me feel better about my life, but I've agreed to do it this way, the way where I'm supposed to work hard and learn to manage things better. The thing is that there are days and weeks when I wish I had made the other decision. Sometimes I just want to hear that it's ok, that I'm doing well, that I'm superwoman for handling this disease the way I do. I don't even care if it's TRUE, I want to hear it.

Sometimes I wonder what he thinks after he is with me. I wonder if he dreads each encounter. I wonder how boring it is to have to listen to the ups and downs over and over, and if he feels like if I'd just listen I wouldn't have these problems. Sometimes I'm sure that I'm the most frustrating patient ever.

Not long ago I said something about not wanting to be treated "like a psych patient". By this I meant that the assumption that I do certain things for manipulative or other negative reasons when in fact I have valid reasons and the other causes wouldn't be considered if it weren't for my diagnosis really annoys me. He reminded me that I am indeed a psych patient. True, but I still have been left wondering if that means I act manipulative and whatever else was at stake all the time. I certainly don't think those are issues for me. But what do I know?

It was a lot easier when I was in the stage where I'd met some goals. Now I'm in some odd middle stage where I need new ones, and because I don't feel I'm going anywhere I feel I'm failing.

Master of science with a failure in therapy about myself. That's irony for you.

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