Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, February 03, 2007

A whole week plus

That was some week. I have had so much to say too. I guess it was ok because I had little time to say it, but I really missed this thing. It was really neat though to come back and check my statistics and discover that my referrals have been increasing rapidly.

Anyway, the cable thing was annoying. Enough about that or I'll vent for about 3 hours. Five days without internet or tv is a long, long time.

The good news: I was approved for services through vocational rehab. I will meet with someone about providing education/mediation services with my company this week, and then soon I'll meet with the computer person about getting a laptop. I am so very excited about this. However, being and staying excited has been a process. To accept services I signed something about how I have a significant disability that negatively impacts my ability to obtain or maintain a job.

At first this seemed like a "duh" statement. Then I realized that it actually was something much, much bigger, a sign of how far I have come in this last year. I have spent so long focusing on being "high functioning" that I haven't let myself accept the reality of how hard many very normal things are. It's not until now that I am accepting that my disability is something that impacts every single day of my life in a negative way, even when I am doing fine.

It's been odd because I've had to figure out new definitions for old ideas. I knew long ago that my version of this is considered severe. I had trouble with putting "severe" and "functional" together, and so it took this last year of being not very functional at all for me to understand that even severe has it's own levels. At my best I am severely affected because I am severely socially isolated, unable to independently do things I need to do, etc. At my worst I become so severe that I can't do anything at all.

So now I have come to terms with having a "real" disability (perhaps; I've thought I understood this before), and am looking forward to getting the assistance. Just yesterday I did a ton of re-copying things because of mistakes, and one day in the last week I copied the same page 3 times which just makes me want to cry because it is such a waste.

I met with my psychiatrist a week ago and she decided that trileptal wasn't doing very much for me. So we are trying an extremely high dose of depakote, which I've been on very successfully for years but have pretty much maxed out remotely normal dosing. That now seems to be going ok but it has been rocky. I was pretty manicky most of the week. That is slowing now, and I will have a blood draw early this week to see if I can handle any more.

On top of all this, and with the mania requiring an extra counseling appointment to help calm down, I'm trying to get ready for vacation which starts Wednesday night. I have no idea how I'm going to get it all together. I've been sneaking in shopping as time allows and still anticipate throwing things into a suitcase at the last minute. I had a scary moment when I was shopping the other night; I left counseling and went to the pet store. Somehow I dropped my wallet while loading the car. I didn't realize this until I was at the mall to buy sneakers. (I finally get to wear regular width shoes again after years of swollen feet from lithium!) Thankfully it was still laying there when I went back.

Now I am "enjoying" the cold. It is positively frigid here tonight and I imagine my heating bill is doubling as I type. One problem with working in nursing homes is that you tend to get acclimated to the high temperatures the elderly prefer and then cold weather outside work feels even colder. This is really bad though.

So I think it's time to curl with with some hot chocolate and ponder life.

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