During this time of healing I have had so much time on my computer that I was forced to realize something. This blog has changed. I see that people read it. Not as many most of the time, but it's not about that. I have said since I began blogging that it was for me. However, I have to admit something: I'm a little creeped out. In the last year I have shared intensely personal stuff, stuff I probably need to take down from public eyes and maybe replace with something a little less raw. And in all those months only a few people, always the same people, have commented.
I never wanted the blog to be about comments. It's easy to think that the number of comments you get says something about you and that's not true. I am writing this for me and to hopefully help someone else.
But...I feel as if my blog is the horrible accident along the road that nobody wants to see but stares at anyway to see the body bags. During the last few months when it was less about trauma and more about pain and the process of a hysterectomy at 36 years old my readership has dropped way off. I feel like I'm providing drama to faceless people who are just staring. And that drama? That's my life. And when it's boring? That's my life too.
I was laying around thinking the other day, because that's what you do after a hysterectomy, and I realized that I didn't care about posting. Posting has been hard because I have something called barbed sutures in some incredibly tender tissue and if I sit or stand too long the swelling increases and the barbs poke me. I need to be laying down a good bit and I can only type so long in that position. More telling though was that I knew Michal was away and so nobody would respond and I felt why bother. And the truth is that Michal and I are friends and i don't need to blog to tell her what's going on. Only 2 people are pretty much the only commenters I've had in the entire last year unless you count spam. And again, that feels creepy because there are a lot more people who are subscribed to the blog in at least 2 ways than those 2 particular women. I am not saying comment or else. I'm not saying don't read while you are curious and because it's an emotional story. I read blogs that way too sometimes.
Master of Irony is going to turn 7 years old soon. It's possible that everything has been said that anyone cares to hear. I have another project I want to do which won't be ongoing exactly but which shows the ways that being an OT helped me navigate the social security system a little more easily (I think). That will be something I write then will be done with. I'll never stop writing. I just don't know what form that will take.
On January 15, the blog's 7th birthday and my 37th I will either announce that I will continue to blog or what I have decided to do. That will be either continue as it is, stop and leave up posts I don't feel are too personal, or I will be going private and blogging for myself only. If I do decide to stop I will mostly likely take the blog down, remove a number of posts, and then let the rest stand so that if it may help someone someday it can.
Please feel free to offer feedback. I'm going to ask at this point that you do so in the comments or if you are uncomfortable please leave an anonymous comment that you have emailed me. You may email me at masterofironyatgmaildotcom (substituting @ and . of course). I just don't check there often and I won't remember to do so without the reminder (comments arrive in my real email account, the one I'm blogging from in fact). Please know that while I'm talking about comments this isn't about them. I guess what I want is that if this is to go on I'd like to have some idea who is "staring" at me and what this blog does for you. Adjusting to so much in the course of year has made me feel vulnerable and being "stared at" is uncomfortable.
Most of you don't know that sometime during this difficult year I had someone who reached out to me and I stopped the contact when it was uncomfortable. Soon after my blog was linked to a number of inappropriate sites. I don't know for sure but I believe that someone reached out to me with a false story, not seeking advice but seeking more details of my story. After all, if you're a pedophile there is/was some interesting stuff here. Anything that isn't down like that is coming down regardless. Reading almost 7 years of blog to do that is a big job. But this is influencing my thinking greatly. I already served my time as a rape victim and I don't really want the feeling of re-experiencing that because someone steals my life for evil purposes.
My decision doesn't hinge on responses. I just question whether this is done. It's a call only I can make and I'll let you know what I'm thinking if you want.
I can't imagine "the end" (as it won't be for my own purposes). But I need to feel comfortable and right now I don't.