Please understand, it's not about comments. It really isn't. I said (I think) that the comments were from only 2 people; I should probably have said a few. Because there have been a few people comment in the last year. However, while I have no interest in going an cataloging them, I bet my comments are at 10% of what they were once upon a time. And that's ok. I know much of what I have posted in this last yearis hard to respond to; I have posted the fragments of my broken heart as we tried to glue them back together. That's a lot to throw at people and I didn't expect anyone to understand or have experienced the same thing. I did just go back a month. 100% of my comments are from 2 people in that time. My memory of the past year is too fuzzy to believe but I'm pretty sure that is true going pretty far back. But it's not about comments.
I am not asking people to comment more (except right now). I am just assuming that if nobody is commenting ever (except Michal) that I am putting things out that nobody is interested in. If that's true I will give up worrying about typos, trying to be sure to update regularly, and just journal. If you all see a purpose in this blog and a value in going forth, then I will consider that as I decide. If you see my blog as a soap opera then I need to re-evaluate what I'm writing. If it helps you or interests you or makes you more aware of mental illness/disability/curly hair/cat ownership then knowing that lets me know that I'm not wasting time and putting myself WAY out there for no good reason. It's fine to just be interested out of curiousity. I've met some great people that way. But if this has become boring, which is what I feel may have happened, then I need to know. Because my life will not be changing a lot for a long time in terms of abilities/disabilities aside from healing from this hysterectomy.
Also, please don't feel insulted/attacked or that I want something. I don't; I just want to know that my past and my illness are doing what I want them to do and that they are not sitting completely unread while I foolishly keep posting and posting. I write this for me, but there are also times I write solely for you. I admit that I was a bit surprised that in a month that I had major surgery I've not had anyone ask if I was ok. But then I'm not much of a commenter on most blogs that I read so who am I to judge?
It's also possible that my mood will change or I'll see things differently and by January I'll feel differently. That's why I am giving myself months to decide.
I just feel that for those of you who've been around, who have prayed for me, who have smiled or laughed or felt sorrow at my words, who know my life as almost nobody does, that you should have a say in this.
But really, really, it's not about comments! I know I keep saying that but that is because when you blog comments are awesome. Someone sees you, someone cares enough to take time to talk back to you, you know you are connecting. But blogging is also about the purpose of the blog and that's true whether 1 person or 1 million read. I just think that if a blog is as personal as mine is, personal enough to catch ped*ophi*le"s interest then if it is serving no current purpose except to me it's time to change things.
On the other side of the coin it is very hard right now to believe that anything will improve from my rather sad post-op state. The is a tough 6 week recovery and I'm tired of it and sometimes struggle to feel life will improve. So while what I say has been on my mind and heart for a long time it's also been a long time since I've not been under the control of hormones, blood loss anemia and pain. That's the reason for January.
Thanks for feedback either way. I'll keep you included in this decision.