Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Monday, October 08, 2012


I spend a lot of my life seeking clarification lately.  I also have trouble saying what I want to say still.  I left out at least one thing from my previous post.  That is this:  I am asking what purpose does this blog serve.  Once I was Dr. Brain's "highest functioning patient with my severity ever".  I had a lot to say about living a relatively normal life within the context of my illness.  I worked, stumbled with that and sometimes fell but sometimes triumphed.  I was living life when "they" said it should be very hard to do so.  Now, the truth is that my life will be the same for the foreseeable future.  My routine is going to be Dr. Mind on Mondays, babysitting Anne on Tuesdays, and when I'm recovered enough I'll go back to my support group on Fridays.  That is likely to be a pretty repetitive cycle.  I will always deal with abuse and PTSD but most of what can reasonably be said has been; now it is more dealing with issues as they come up.  I am seeing little that will be of much interest to most people. 

Please understand, it's not about comments.  It really isn't.  I said (I think) that the comments were from only 2 people; I should probably have said a few.  Because there have been a few people comment in the last year.  However, while I have no interest in going an cataloging them, I bet my comments are at 10% of what they were once upon a time.  And that's ok.  I know much of what I have posted in this last yearis hard to respond to; I have posted the fragments of my broken heart as we tried to glue them back together.  That's a lot to throw at people and I didn't expect anyone to understand or have experienced the same thing.  I did just go back a month.  100% of my comments are from 2 people in that time.  My memory of the past year is too fuzzy to believe but I'm pretty sure that is true going pretty far back.  But it's not about comments.

I am not asking people to comment more (except right now).  I am just assuming that if nobody is commenting ever (except Michal) that I am putting things out that nobody is interested in.  If that's true I will give up worrying about typos, trying to be sure to update regularly, and just journal.  If you all see a purpose in this blog and a value in going forth, then I will consider that as I decide.  If you see my blog as a soap opera then I need to re-evaluate what I'm writing.  If it helps you or interests you or makes you more aware of mental illness/disability/curly hair/cat ownership then knowing that lets me know that I'm not wasting time and putting myself WAY out there for no good reason.  It's fine to just be interested out of curiousity.  I've met some great people that way.  But if this has become boring, which is what I feel may have happened, then I need to know.  Because my life will not be changing a lot for a long time in terms of abilities/disabilities aside from healing from this hysterectomy.

Also, please don't feel insulted/attacked or that I want something.  I don't; I just want to know that my past and my illness are doing what I want them to do and that they are not sitting completely unread while I foolishly keep posting and posting.  I write this for me, but there are also times I write solely for you.  I admit that I was a bit surprised that in a month that I had major surgery I've not had anyone ask if I was ok.  But then I'm not much of a commenter on most blogs that I read so who am I to judge?

It's also possible that my mood will change or I'll see things differently and by January I'll feel differently.  That's why I am giving myself months to decide.

I just feel that for those of you who've been around, who have prayed for me, who have smiled or laughed or felt sorrow at my words, who know my life as almost nobody does, that you should have a say in this.

But really, really, it's not about comments!  I know I keep saying that but that is because when you blog comments are awesome.  Someone sees you, someone cares enough to take time to talk back to you, you know you are connecting.  But blogging is also about the purpose of the blog and that's true whether 1 person or 1 million read.  I just think that if a blog is as personal as mine is, personal enough to catch ped*ophi*le"s interest then if it is serving no current purpose except to me it's time to change things.

On the other side of the coin it is very hard right now to believe that anything will improve from my rather sad post-op state.  The is a tough 6 week recovery and I'm tired of it and sometimes struggle to feel life will improve.  So while what I say has been on my mind and heart for a long time it's also been a long time since I've not been under the control of hormones, blood loss anemia and pain.  That's the reason for January.

Thanks for feedback either way.  I'll keep you included in this decision.


WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

I've not been commenting because my own life sucketh so baddeth this last year or so, I quitteth bogging almost. I'm trying to get back in the hang of it post firing. Ha!!!

However, I think you blog has a lot of purpose. There are a log of people who pray they will evolve into the type of schedule you have now. To show this, and your progress through it even if maintenance is the key is worth it. You will start feeling better soon. It is a 6 week or MORE recovery (my sister was 8 weeks) because that is quite a lot to heal from. How you have kept blogging through this was one reason I tried picking myself up and dusting myself off and getting back to it. I will miss you if you stop, but I also understand what it is like to have health issues bad enough it is too much to even take the time to do an entry. You do what is right for yourself Thanks for letting me have my say!!!

Jean Grey said...

Jen, I have been reading on and off this past year. Sometimes I have wanted to comment, and then been afraid that I would offend you with what I wanted to say. But mostly I haven't commented because I have just been in a different place than you- trying desperately trying to keep working through my illness the past year, until I finally had to go to the hospital last month. I haven't known how to react to your change in status, as it just brings up so much fear in me- I was on disability for 7 years, and I am so afraid that I could go there again .But that is my issue.

Just Me said...

Thanks for this feedback. I understand that it can be hard to handle anything but your own health. I really appreciate the support.

This disclaimer is good forever: Anyone who would like my schedule is welcome to it. This is not what I wanted. It sucks. I worked insanely hard for many more years than they thought I could to get where I was and now that's gone. I know that I can't now but it will never change. I loved being an OT. I will miss it for the rest of my life. I don't mean to jump on you, I know what you mean, but this is NOT what I wanted. Maybe somebody does but it's not me. And it's not something I just was given; I worked, earned SSDI, applied, and showed I was severely disabled, entitling me to very little money and Medicare in 2 years.

Just Me said...

Jean Grey-That's understandable. I appreciate not offending me; it's been a very sensitive time. I'm sorry that you've had a rough time and I hope it is improving. I do understand not wanting to think about being here. Here is not what I want and if I could do something else I would in a heartbeat. But this is what it is and I can imagine it's hard to not think of your past. I probably couldn't have read what I've written before because it would have scared me.

Thanks for the feedback.

Michal Ann said...

Great dialogue, Jen + ladies. I remember Jean Gray and WinnieNinnie PooPoo. Good to hear from you again and to know a bit about how it's going for you.

I've felt a bit odd being one of the only commenters and sometimes wonder if my words to Jen are hampering others from writing. I guess that's self-centered but it crosses my mind.

Jen, I hope you haven't felt that I didn't care to ask how you're doing. I may not have said that in so many words but my intention is to support you knowing full well that you're in recovery. Oh how I pray that many things heal and you reap the benefit of increased strength when your wayward uterus isn't depleting you.

I'm so glad you've heard from some of your long-time readers. Your mood is lifted and that's a very welcome report. I appreciate how careful and thoughtful you are as you process the issues involved in blogging.

Be blessed today, my friend.

WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

Jen: No offense taken, Not thinking you would take it that way, meant as part of recovery from your surgery girl!!! Bit of a headache head and the flu combined probably makes me more dense than ever.

I know you don't want to be disabled. Neither do I. Still fighting it!!!