I can't sleep tonight. It's been hard for days; tonight is worse than the others. It's all anxiety. I've had a few mild panic attacks to accompany this and I'm exhausted yet sleepless.
I've not posted in a long time. That has to do with the sleep issues, a medication increase that had me really groggy for a while, a migraine that combined with the med change left me kind of like I imagine being stoned is, out of town family visiting and I just haven't known what to say.
But the anxiety right now is so bad and a lot comes from an unusual source. For the sake of being truthful what I'll talk about is not the only cause of anxiety. Moving is getting harder. There are financial issues pending about whether I will have the garage apartment that I've been picturing or if I'm going to rent. I hate renting and with asthma renting can be difficult (if I'm allergic to something in the rental I may not be able to do anything for a year until a lease is up). Living in a scattered home and realizing that I packed a series of books but forgot #3 and now it's in the random pile, or wanting something that is packed, sealed and stacked in another room frustrates me.
But the biggest thing is that I am mad at Dr. Mind. I'm actually really mad at Dr. Mind. Usually I talk about him like he is only a source of happiness and support. But that's not always true. In recent years there has been less confrontation, minus the months of PTSD treatment that were very confrontational. In the first months I saw him we had several disagreements that got pretty heated. I'd never had a therapist show anger or raise their voice even slightly or even disagree with me if I said I could take care of myself regarding hurting myself. But in time it became ok for him to confront or disagree with me. However, right now he is doing it so much that I feel like he's being extremely picky. Monday was the last straw when he said something that to me means "You're not trying". I seriously doubt this was his intent but it was how it came across, especially since it was 5 minutes after another thing I did wrong. I did something I don't think I've ever done in there; I shut down. I talked and listened but I was not paying attention and I didn't want to respond to him. I wanted to cry but I didn't want him to see me cry when it was because I was so mad. When I started writing I realized that he's interpreting something wrong, I think. Or what I think is true is really just what he's saying although I don't think so. Regardless I'm unsure how to handle it. I know things I need to say but I don't know how to say them without sounding accusatory or defensive. The end result is that I wind up feeling completely lost.He tried to tell me he was being direct because I need to hear what he is saying. But I don't agree and I think I feel judged. I'm used to hearing that I'm being brave, that I'm doing what I can, that I'm being strong. Now it feels like all I do is wrong. I'm positive he doesn't mean that but it's what it is coming across as.
I don't know. I know I used to picture therapy as being all supportive and happy. I didn't picture difficult conflicts between the patient and therapist. I had that supportive/happy therapist and it didn't go well. I had a pacifist therapist when I was angry and needed to have someone fight back. I got a lot of fight out but it was by refusing to talk and the therapist reciprocated so we stared at each other for 14 minutes. I know hearing things I don't like can help me. I just don't know what happens when I'm pretty certain those observations that I don't like are truly inaccurate.
Hmm, maybe sleepy. It's 5:15 AM so that would be nice.