Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, May 26, 2013

The end is coming

I took today sort of off.  I got stuff ready to pack in one box and then realized that I had to wash a bunch of dusty stuff.  Then I never packed it.  I did pack up a bunch of food.  I am feeling like I NEED to clean out under the bathroom sink so that's probably going to happen yet.

I was just thinking about how I need to call Dr. Brain to see if I can have some more medication to help with the mania/extreme cycling right now.  And then I started crying out of nowhere.

Partially it's just the cycling.  But mostly it is realizing that next weekend is my last in my house.  And I'm afraid.  I know this is something I have to do and that hopefully the house will sell quickly and my new home will be built rapidly.  Living in my mom's house for months is a challenging thought.  It's close quarters and we're used to being alone.  But I've also made myself afraid because I tried all week to talk to her about some of my restrictions for safety and every time she was in a mood and I couldn't.  She's stressed about this and refuses to admit it so instead she asks me to go shopping, I ask to add on 2 stores and then she rushes me and is stressed about time in my stores but takes seeming forever in hers.  The thing that has me most afraid though is yesterday she came here, walked in the house and immediately opened a curtain.  she doesn't like the solid curtains I use in my kitchen.  This is a very bright house so it's not like I'm making it darker, although I do have blackout curtains in the back.  But I do not like people looking into my house.  It's paranoia and I know it's unreasonable but it is MY HOUSE so I don't worry about it, I just indulge it.  And the way that this place is set up people truly can see in and that's weird to me.  But all I could think is that this is how my life is going to be from now on; either I'll have to start a fight that I'll wind up apologizing for or I'll have to learn to live with someone who doesn't respect that my decisions about my home are mine to make.

And that's really putting things in the worst light.  Dr. Mind is going to help me talk to her about some of this. I can also handle some of it if I just make myself.  I should have said something instead of just closing that panel back up yesterday.  But right now my emotions are too wild to trust and I am so overwhelmed.

I can't believe it is down to 9 more days.  9 more days and then I have no privacy to cry or anything else, potentially for months.

I just wish this hadn't had to happen.  It did and it will be ok but there's a huge painful part in there as well.

Right now I hate my life and I just don't want to deal with it.  A while back Dr. Mind made me make a list of why I was angry.  It was enormous and I bet I could surpass that right now.  And making it even harder is that I'm not seeing him until Tuesday because of Memorial day and Monday is such a routine that I feel like I'm holding on forever instead of one extra day.  I suppose that means that I won't have much ground to fight with about seeing someone else when he is on vacation in July.  I like the person I see when he's gone but it is very weird to have nothing exactly to discuss and then to have to go through am I safe with a relative stranger, yet a stranger who by making some concessions for me (she owns the place I go) over the past 11 years that have been incredibly kind.

And of course I have no idea what part of this is my being moody and what is real, which is far and away the greatest curse of rapid cycling at the frequency that I am currently cycling.

I just want to sleep through the next several months.  I bet that doesn't happen.  Somehow, I would be surprised.

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