Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, May 30, 2013


This is not an easy period in my life.  I am cycling so fast and so far that I constantly feel like the world is flipping upside down, over and over again.  First there's too much energy and I'm wide awake and doing everything I can; minutes or hours later I'm too depressed to move.  Dr. Brain is trying to help adjust meds but we have to do this without knowing whether I'll get an increased benefit from it and with few options.  Starting anything new (I assume that would be something in the anxiety line or re-using something like depakote) isn't a good option since there's no way to know how I'd react and this isn't the best time for messed up meds.

I am finding moving out for real to be more painful than I thought.  I thought I would be ok because I have had a while to adjust.  But the simple truth is that I knew i probably wouldn't work for 35 years and then retire.  I did not ever think I would lose independence at 37 years old. 

I'm really having a hard time with having to live with my mom until my place is built.  That's not because of her; she's wonderful to let me do this.  But her house isn't designed for how we'll be living.  I'll have little privacy and quiet, the two things that matter most to me in terms of handling my symptoms.  Somehow we'll work it out.  It just isn't ideal and while we were told mid-late summer for my construction that probably will be later just from knowing how the contractor operates and from the lack of final plans.  I had to tell her that she had to put away huge bottles of tylenol and ibuproferon for my safety, an awkward conversation that I didn't take as far as I should.  I need Dr. Mind to help with that and I didn't realize that this session with her needs to occur now rather than before I'm in the new place.

I've been fairly clearly informed that my suicide risk is higher than they'd like and hints about hospitalization have been made by both doctors.  I understand and I'm honestly not sure I can make it through this without that happening although I really, really don't want that. I'm scared that the moment I'm hospitalized the house will sell and I won't be in a position to participate, potentially losing a buyer.  So I feel a lot of pressure (from me) to stay strong until it is sold and I'm not sure that putting off feeling sad is going to help much.

I can't believe that I've gone from being pretty strong with the suicide stuff to being a constant risk and having an increased risk every time something happens.  Granted this is probably one of my greatest losses ever but I know that I'm on a narrow line and I hate that.  I spent precious swagbucks last night on a metal lockbox for my meds after Dr. Mind keeps bringing up that the plastic current one isn't that safe since I could break into it easily.  I hope that's not true with the new one because it wasn't cheap and buying it is a symbol that I'm simply not going to one day not be safe, at least not for the foreseeable future.

Cycling and suicidal aren't a good combination.  I hadn't experienced this much cycling and this much suicidal together before and it is not pleasant.  It's scary and it's constant and I can't control it beyond a certain point.  That point so far is keeping me safe enough but it's a fight every day to want to live.

So that's the story as of today.

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