Gonna make it

The antidepressant increase is helping.  Slowly but I am sure of it now.  It has a long way to go but it is doing something.  And this works slowly so that it fine.

I've had a lot of thinking to do and the ultimate outcome of that was that it's not just that I'm angry with Dr. Brain.  I really am feeling a lot more like PTSD.  A big clue was when I realized last week it had all started only 5 weeks ago.  It feels like months.  I feel like we have found the things to watch for to keep me healthy.  And this came out of aboslutely nowhere and nobody reacted in the only way that would have made it not so bad because it wasn't appropriate to assume that.  Yes, it would be nice if Dr. Brain has heard me say it but truthfully it might have saved days, not the entire thing.  But remembering it is only 5 weeks helps me remember that I need to stop wanting things to be all better.  It feels like 5 months but it is not.

So I just wrote a weird email explaining why I want to go back now, sleep issues or no and why.  Essentially I don't think I can do anything that is going to make my sleep turn around.  I have done so much without success.  i think that being forced into my schedule is going to be the biggest thing that will help.  And if it doesn't then in a month or so I'll come off work again and we'll probably have to change meds.  But a few more days aren't going to do that much so I'm going to see what happens.

The other thing is, and I don't know if I wrote about this, but I'm being tested for sleep apnea in a few weeks.  My pulmnologist has suspected all along that my muscles in my trachea were damaged by whooping cough and were floppy.  Everyt time I see him he questions me about snoring, breathing during sleep, wakings, etc. and I keep telling him I am too sedated to know what I do at night. The only thing I really knew, which supported his theory, was that I have to be propped up and can only sleep on my side without feeling I wasn't breathing well, and it mainly has to be the left side. Well, since I was intubated I have been waking myself snoring and gasping for air at least every other night.  So he is actually excited because if I have sleep apnea he believes this will help me sleep better, it will gives us a way to treat my breathing problems and probably decrease my asthmatic reactions.  I can't say I'm excited to learn to sleep with CPaP but I keep wondering how much this affects my fatigue level since it's reasonably likely that I have it given the repeated gasping thing.  So I also just need to get through that testing to see what happens.

Anyway, I'm improving, and you have made me smile as 2 of you have checked on me in the time it took to write this post, interrupted by pill time and getting the breathing treatment med from the kitchen.