Not today (Updated)

(ETA: Great, more to worry about.  I emailed work last night that I still don't have a positive return date, etc.  Nobody responded.  Now I'm freaked out, have no information that lets me know what to say, and am scared that they hate me at work.  This makes me feel even MORE pressured to go back, not less, in case you are wondering.  Maybe that is what I don't get here.  I pretty much always face things head on. )

I am disappointed to say I did not hear from Dr. Brain.  It is unlikely I will at this point although I've had late night emails before.  Whether she gets emails can be kind of sporadic so it may take a day or two although the usual best hope is for her to answer soon after. ETA I did hear and will write more later.

Today has been a little bit calmer emotionally.  Lots of doing nothing because I can't, because I'm so tired, and because I don't know what to do.  It's getting harder to think clearly and I am glad to be seeing Dr. Mind tomorrow.  It will be a relatively busy day as I have to get the 2nd in my sequence of TB tests, see Dr. Mind and get groceries--which needs to happen before I see Dr. Mind because of the crying factor.  And since I grew up going to the place where all the wild animals were let loose (the town, not the actual place) because of some sewing store my grandma liked to go to I've been watching that horror show all day on my computer.  When they say Ohio is lax about these laws, well let's leave it at I know 2 places within 120 (and I'm going very big to keep my general location hidden) miles of home that are like that place.  One of them (unless it has closed) is actually very near here.  One of the things that I keep seeing on national news is that there were camels and giraffes.  There were not at this time, at least that I find in any tally.  So I guess at least non-carnivorous animals were not  killed.  I hate it so much but know why they had no choice but to shoot to kill, and the one probably good thing is that while I realize all police/sheriffs/whatever are trained to shoot well, around here it is very likely most of those men had hunted.  So while it had to be horrible no matter what I think that there is benefit as the animals were less likely to to suffer with experienced hunters shooting them versus people who had never shot an animal.  That was my first fear actually, that typically gun-happy people of these hills were on a killing spree, but then I read enough to understand.  One thing that is weird is that my mother drives through that area pretty frequently and has seen what she has called "weird animals" as roadkill.  We assumed they came from the wildlife preserve relatively close by but as close to that road as this was I suspect it was a matter of time before someone hit a lion (and not just during the last 24 hours.  2 animals were hit by cars.  Can you imagine that insurance report?)  The saddest part of the whole story is that he set the situation up for this.  The mind of someone who is ready to kill themselves is very messed up.  But (I am trying to make a map in my head), I'd guess within 30 miles of there is a huge place where reclaimed mine land was donated to someone (the state zoo?  Jack Hanna, who was the director of Columbus zoo, is very involved there.) but anyway, it's fascinating.  They have recreated appropriate home for animals who are becoming extinct and run breeding programs.  You can take a bus tour through it (in fact this is the first year I haven't in many years) and every year it has grown.  That place wouldn't have been able to take all the animals, but I suspect they could have cared for most temporarily to permanently with the zoo helping with others, and he probably only had to make a phone call.  In fact they have just been developing and giving tours through the beginning of their predator program in the last few years and therefore the lions and tigers (at least a few) might have been cherished.  Instead I accidentally (this is why I don't watch the news) saw lines of bodies of gorgeous creatures.  They are saying that they plan to bury the animals on that farm, which is a good thing and somehow seems somewhat redeeming.

I had to choose to not see my niece tomorrow.  I can't mange that long of a day, I am not at a good place emotionally and I do not want her to watch me start crying for no reason.  Making this decision kills me.I just want to start screaming LISTEN TO ME!!!!!! but my cats would only be horrified and listening isn't the issue anyway.    I don't know what it is, but that's not it.  Believe me?  Make it stop?  Don't let this happen.....I don't want to lose my job??  I don't know what to say.  Worse comes to worse I go to the ER and request admission over the weekend.  I can't imagine what I would hate more but I cannot do this force myself back to work on no sleep thing.

I just do not understand what is happening to me.