What a difference

I remember 2 years ago today.  A week before I had been treating a patient who complained a lot and realized that I could only think "I want to die.  I would rather die than do this.  I want to die".  This led to lots of phone calls to speed up my planned hospitalization.  So on the 26th I loaded my things in my car, tearfully petted my cats one last time, and ran out the door before I lost my nerve.  It was a beautiful fall day with lots of colorful leaves, blue sky and nice temperature and I was aware I'd probably not see another day like that until spring. I was so distractible that I was constantly not really listening to the Garmin and so I kept getting lost.  I also kept drinking water because I was nervous and so I kept stopping to pee.  Finally I got to the hospital where the psych unit I go to is located. (ha, I typed locked.  That too).  I remember texting Julia while registering because the man made me so angry by sarcastically asking if I live in my PO Box.  No, but that IS my legal address....I also remember how surreal it was that after committing myself I was told to go wait for someone to take me up (this happened this time too.  It makes me want to bolt just to see what happens).  I got upstairs and one nurse took my things to the nurses station while the other got vitals and began asking me about 900 questions.  Pages and pages of them.  I started crying with "why are you here?", sobbing by "are you suicidal".  They brought my things in gradually as they sorted them, informing me I should have only brought 3 days worth of stuff as they have a washer.  Nobody told me that.  So I later had to get them to let me into my suitcase for a bunch of random stuff.  I cried that day like I never thought I could cry, but it was because I was finally safe and finally not responsible for other people.

Today was the opposite.  Pouring rain, dreary, and the leaves were never pretty this year unless it was during the time i don't remember (likely I suppose).

One day down with work and it went fine.  I got very, very tired but I loved being in the office. Lots of hugs. I did not love my computer training but it has to be done before I can see patients.  I really need the slower pace to adjust too.  I can't begin to say how tired I am right now.  Hopefully tonight will be Jen sleeps, part one.

We'll see what happens, I have some pictures to share sometime.  Tonight, in the morning.  Just depends.  I will be so glad when time makes sense again.  I can't explain that, it's just all mixed up.

Oh, and I was a good person and apologized to Dr. Brain.  I told her that I had been so angry at her and I because we have all these was to handle my bipolar in place and we didn't stop the akasthesia and I was terrified for weeks that this meant I would have to deal with illness all the time again.  I really had kind of forgotten that we do not control this disorder humanely, that I just got too comfortable with relative stability. I told her I knew had been rude and I had been treating myself the same way, and thanked her. I think we're friends again.

I also think that she and Dr. Mind are going to force me to work on anxiety again.  I got a hint of that from Dr. Mind the other day and the new thing were doing which is complicated to explain and I need to do it without totaling crying throughout to describe it but it's very hard for me, he knows that, and he's pushing.  I think they are right.  I know my brain hasn't been right here but I did manage to twist a lot of stuff into a lot of depression.  Dr. Brain thinks not seeing Dr. Mind while I couldn't drive was horrible for me and wants me to continue twice weekly for a while.  This happens this time most years it seems and we'll probably do it until after Christmas.

Anyway, maybe more later.  We'll see.