I'll be ok

Dr. Brain was very kind but made sure I understood what we all know, including me when I calmed down about 15 hours later, that this had nothing to do with me, that she was not implying anything, etc.  And that I have to feel better soon.  So after discussing various things I will be totally off the neurontin I think Tuesday (I do have written instructions).  That should leave my system fast and hopefully I'll get rid of my predominant "I don't care" feeling which makes doing anything hard.  I'm going to increase my antidepressant patch every other day to the highest dose, one that the FDA doesn't love but which is apparently safer than previously though. The goal will be for a month of this.  I feel like there is another change but I am so emotionally drained that I have no idea what it is.  Again, she wrote things down.  The other thing may be just consistent therapy visits, something I haven't have in a very long time.  Oh, I remember.  I'm supposed to use ambien for several nights.  I hate that stuff but I need solid sleep and not to be awake half the night.

She partly thinks I have some anxiety about going back to work that is making it hard to feel good.  At first I just kept saying "but all I want is to go back".  And then I realized that each time I've been off coming back has had some unpleasant change.  I've had 3 disability leaves and each time my job has changed drastically and I have either wound up transferred or quitting.  I'm pretty sure that's not true this time, but there are also the doctors who don't even want me to go back because it's hard on my lungs.  Yet I keep refusing because I tell them I'd rather have to do lots of breathing treatments than to do something  I hate (nursing homes).  And this leave had been so different that I had thought......I left 6 days early because of pain and needing continuous meds.  That would have not been a big deal if I hadn't then proceeded to the psych stuff afterwards.  Just when I should have been able to return I gave up sleeping and then we all know the story.

The good thing is that I came home, took my afternoon dose of neurontin and then slept soundly for 3 hours.  I've been pushing no naps but this one I needed after all the driving and stress.  I'm already starting to get sleepy again, right on time for bedtime meds and then when those start to work I'll take the ambien and that should help me sleep.  Part of why I hate that stuff is that it only works a few days and I only have to use it a few days.

So it appears I'll survive and that again I have someone great on my side, which I've forgotten in the midst of all of this.