I have....been better

I am still here.  I just cry whenever I try to talk, write, think, or do anything not involving sleep.  I was crying by the 2nd sentence with Dr. Mind today and did not stop crying until the end of the hour.  We talked and cried a lot (Ok, he talked, I whispered and cried) and I have at the very least let him know how sincerely terrible I feel right now.  Because I wasn't on the embarrassing end of an emotional explosion I probably was a little more clear than with Dr. Brain.  This was also easier because Dr. Brain thinks I am partially dreading going back to work and I don't think Dr. Mind does.  I think that he accepted my (now thought out) response and Dr. Brain got a not thought out answer.  My answer at this point is that yes, some tough things have happened every time I have gone back, but I WANT to go back and have no reason to believe there is a problem as opposed to the other times.The thing is that I feel more hesitant to talk to Dr. Brain at this point about this because she seems to really believe it and I was able to give her more reason to think it is true rather than saying "but I don't think so".  I just feel so extremely depressed and I don't want to get out of bed ever much less shower, etc., plus I do not know how I can go back to work when I need to sleep 12 or more hours.  And I truly have tried to sleep less.  All that happens is that I feel like a failure when I can't.  I can't see a way that feeling as I do now that I can get up by 6 AM in a week.  Today I tried for 10 hours of sleep and fought to wake up at 12 hours.  Which then makes me feel bad like I'm not trying when the truth is that I'm getting to sleep hours later than usual and I feel awful and sleeping lets me avoid that.

I haven't had time for the extra patch medication to get into my blood.  So that's kind of step one, I need to back off of freaking about that.  I have a while to go before a response is really expected there, I think.  I forgot to ask how long.  The other thing is that I have to keep remembering that the things that usually work fast (increasing my seroquel) can't be done because of the akasthesia.  On the other hand, Dr. Brain is confusing me by saying it may not have been akasthesia.  And if that's true I'm not sure what the point of treating it was an akasthesia protocol was.  I also don't know why I would have responded to going off mood stabilizing meds and onto one that is ok for anxiety, sometimes helps depression and is typically given for akasthesia (but in no way that implies if you're on this you have akasthesia.  It's just that knowingly putting me on a med that wasn't going to stabilize my mood if I did not have akasthesia is weird.)

I also have all these questions and can't really ask them.  I don't have it in me to be confrontative with Dr. Brain in any way right now and I don't even know that I want answers.  Finding out that she thinks going through the hospital and akasthesia treatment was the wrong way to go would be more than I can handle right now.

Mostly though it feels like there is this huge deadline in my face for one more week and while I want desperately to meet it I am not sure how.  I think I'm going to ask Dr. Mind to talk to Dr. Brain.  I probably should have asked that today and for all I know it has already happened, but I couldn't stop crying to do or say much of anything most of the time I was there.  I know he is concerned enough to remind me to call him if I'm worse, which is funny since he doesn't work tomorrow.

I'm hoping to go spend the night at my mom's tomorrow and then go see my niece Thursday, getting back in time then go see Dr. Mind that evening.  I am really going to push to do this, that little girl can make me feel better if it is possible.  However, if my tears aren't a little more controlled I'll have to skip that one.  However, I need it.  I haven't seen her fully mobile with walking yet, or with her adorable baby pigtails that she wears because her hair incredibly fine, just like my sister's.  It's just so much energy.

Anyway, not a lot more to say without just repeating myself.  I feel lousy.  I feel like I've never not felt lousy.  I do know that's not true, but this has been a very hard year and I think THAT is the key to how I feel.  I think this is the natural reverse side of all the agitation and manic stuff, and that it is being made much worse because it has been so long since I really felt good.  I also am terrified at how hard Dr. Brain intends to push because all of my own pushing isn't getting my anywhere and she can push as much as she wants but if I am sleeping like I am now I am not going to be waking at 6 am.

I think I need to hear from her that she knows I may not make my 1 week deadline and that she knows I'm trying as hard as I can.  I think feeling she doesn't think so is part of what is making the depression worse and worse because that feeling makes me put way more pressure on myself because I then blame myself.

I hope she is in touch soon.  I am not this strong.