The Same Post

Anxious, anxious, anxious.....

This post is going to just repeat itself for the next 10 days. Returning to work is upon me. I am scared silly. I feel like there is so much to get done before I return, and I'm trying to remember that things are not done because I've been sick, not that I wasted my vacation or something, and I'll get them done over time.

My psychologist has been on vacation for about a week. I've done really well at not having the usual appointments, but the last few days I've felt the anxiety increase, I think because I'm just ready for reassurance that this can be done and is being done in a controlled way. I'm very ready to see him tomorrow.

I just want to have a chance to try out denial a bit longer. I had so long, a year or so, that even though I cycled I thought I had achieved a safe balance. Now I know that wasn't so true, and I have to look at my real illness. And the only way to see it is going to be to try out working. And for now waiting to do that is probably harder than the first days will be.

I'm scared because I have been tired the last couple days. The night I was up because of not having power was not good for me. It makes me scared. It's hard to remember that for years I've had days I was tired and I managed, and now I'll manage even better because I'll have more days off.

Mainly though I'm scared I'll fail....And I don't even know what failing is, since I know that I can't really decide to do this or not do it. My body will dictate what happens and that's not failure. But somehow it seems that if I make mistakes like I did last winter and spring that I will be failing myself and the people who have supported me.

10 more days and the post will probably say "I did it! It was great!"....