On and on

Funny enough, when I started this blog I thought it would be about how I was able to manage serious illness well enough to work, and not just work but do so in mental health. Turns out that these months haven't been about that. This blog is much more real than I ever thought it would be. The idea in my mind had a lot more to do with talking about how sometimes I get into my patient's brains and know how to help because my brain is the same, and how that is the most incredible feeling. I thought I had things figured out for how to make my illness work for me. That wasn't so true.

I still can't talk about my work thing; I probably won't be able to for some time, but I think I will be telling all in the future. This is quite likely to be the impetus for my moving slightly beyond my Just Me mask. However, I will say that it continues to be consuming.

I'm starting to really wonder if working is right for me. I don't know what else to do, but I'm struggling to get through the days, I'm so slow and it's not improving, and I'm tired all the time. Today was the first time that I've had some energy on a day off.

Yet all I know is that these months showed me how much I love my work and my patients. Several people have acted like it is strange that I'm so thrilled to work; they just don't understand what it is like to realize you may not be able to do something you love.

This has no point. I just want to update and it's so hard because I can't tell you what's happening. I'm scared if I do I'll get fired if someone finds this site. I'm on thin ice as is. And I didn't do anything but have bipolar. So I promise I'll keep writing, and the truth will come out soon, and when I don't write it's because I simply am too frustrated, too tired, or feeling too constricted to talk.