Sorry

I just haven't been able to find much to say. Like I said in my last post, a lot of what is happening I can't go into because things are too tentative anyway and if the wrong person figured out that I'm me they easily could use it against me. And some people will do that who are involved in this. I think. I hate thinking the worst of people, but I think I'm right here.

Regardless, working is HARD. A few days I've done full days of my real job and been more tired than I dreamed possible. Other days I've had to focus more and those days are exhausting as well, in a different way. Ultimately the effect is that I work and I sleep. Today was the first time I've done anything other than that in 2 weeks; I went to see family for a couple hours. And while I'm so happy to be working, and I keep telling people that 4 months of enforced off time makes you appreciate working so much more, this also is what I feared, that immediately work would be most of my life again. This is leaving me with a lot of questions about whether this really is the right thing to do.

At the same time are a lot of other questions about how to handle the mystery situations I cannot breathe a word of. The solution I've chosen for the moment hurts my pride, and like any other potential solution makes me fear a potential bad result. I'm also considering alternatives, and doing that feels like I'm doing surgery on myself. Every time this illness takes away something I love I feel the whole loss of having it all over again. This time is no different.

And while that is all going on, there is so much joy in being back to work. It feels right in so many ways. I'm just no longer sure that the right way is there.

This then lends itself to trying to figure out alternatives. I feel very trapped in my situation by money. I have enormous student loans. I own a home and at the time I bought it this seemed wise because I could hope to finish paying for it by retirement. Now that I'm trying to figure out how to live on less money per month I am scared of what that means for homeownership. And I love my house. I can't imagine renting again, especially since I have more pets that renters are generally allowed.

All sorts of stress just constantly runs through my mind. I'm not able to go into more detail than this, but this is where I am. It's one of those times I really want someone to give me a big hug and promise that it will be ok, and instead I know that's not necessarily true.

More later, as I find ways to say things. And as I am awake!