Huh

Turns out I still have the ability to feel ok. Today was a much better day. I felt slightly less hopeless and more interested in life than I have in so long I don't remember. I realized there is something I need to do that probably has to come before the whole accepting that my illness did progress quite a bit over the last year and I need to live accordingly. Somehow as I'm coming to terms with that idea alone I'm feeling a little more peaceful, because I'm starting to realize that I truly can't handle things the way they are, and that I am not just quitting. Giving in to the illness has always seemed like giving up, so this is a big change in thinking for me.

The discussion I had with my patient yesterday also gave me a lot to think about. The last weeks have scared me because I have felt totally hopeless, something I'm not used to feeling. It has felt this episode was non-ending, that nothing would ever help again, and that nothing would be ok ever again. That discussion reminded me that there have been plenty of times I have thought about whether I wanted to live or die and I've always chosen to live. This time I didn't feel like I wanted to make that choice, I felt it was made for me, but that it was nothing but bleak nothingness ahead. Which is hardly what I want. Hearing my patient yesterday was an important lesson in yet another thing to consider before considering suicide. It made me realize that I want to live. I'm scared because I just don't see much that I can predict in my future, not even the normal things people rely on, but at the same time I have the things I need to let me fight a little longer until something works, and I can try again to trust that something will work.

Here's to joy tomorrow....