Reality

It's been a while......Still just not feeling so good. The good news is that I have finished one week of the Lamictal starter. In about 4 weeks I'll be at a better dose.

I'm continuing with the odd combination of anxious and exhausted. Today I was so tired I slept through my alarms. I didn't go to work until nearly 2. I'm having trouble eating because nothing really appeals, and what does appeal tends to be junk. I'm eating the junk, knowing something is better than nothing at this stage, but it bothers me because it's another deviation from my normal.

The reality is that my life just isn't so together right now. My kitchen floor is disgustingly dirty. Trash needs gathered and thrown out. I need to take garbage out on trash day. The bathroom needs scrubbed. I have so much dirty laundry I'm not positive I have clean scrub pants for tomorrow. I don't really care; if I don't find any I'll put some that don't really fit out. Yeah, I care a lot..... I'm out of the kind of soap I like and will have to use perfumed soap, which I avoid because it can bother patients. I have new pillows that I haven't used because it's too much effort to put the covers on and change my sheets.

I'm just tired. I'm trying so hard to learn that I can't aim for "normal" because I'm not going to get there. I think that now I'm ready for a new step and am going to start asking the people who treat me to give me a more realistic picture of my illness than I've wanted before.

It's not all bad, even though I sound like that. I have happy moments every day and there have been times in my life I did not. I am sleeping and that is better than insomnia. My patients make me smile and laugh. But mostly this just isn't what I expected.