I've been diagnosed with PTSD, but usually it's not an issue. Right now it is because of all the things I'm dredging up, and I've been more touchy. Lots of nightmares (the foundation of the diagnosis for me), but that's about it. Until today.
I messed something up. I really don't think it was major and my boss wasn't upset about it; I did something without knowing this place has different procedures than I'm used to. Nobody died, nobody got hurt, and in many respects nobody cares. But this one nurse did, immensely.
Rather than just let my supervisor handle it she made me and my supervisor sit in her office while she yelled at me me at good 15 minutes. This is the 3rd time she did this, except the first two times were in public. She has done this to other people too. Because I don't like the way she treats me I avoid her. So she yelled at me for that too, that after incident 2 (which I would barely remember except that I was humiliated) according to her I was so mad I couldn't talk (which isn't true, I was trying not to cry) and that since then I won't even make eye contact. I don't make eye contact because I NEVER make eye contact with people I'm scared are going to yell at me. She threw out plenty of other accusations, including one about my not doing something she apparently defines as part of my job (it's not) and essentially she accused me of potentially hurting a patient through my mistake (huh?) but the whole thing just was too much.
I can't even explain what being yelled at unfairly does to me. It just brings back way too much, no matter how much I know I'm internally overreacting. And now I'm all upset about the eye contact thing because I feel like I'm failing. Little does she know I'm not good with eye contact because I'm bipolar. I have worked extremely hard on this and as long as I'm comfortable with people I can do it pretty well, but if I'm scared of you or upset I can't. And I'm scared of her, whether I like it or not.
So then I spent over an hour crying. Such a waste of time, but it was just too much. She has no right to yell at me; she is not my supervisor or superior in any capacity, and regardless the way she talked to me was totally inappropriate. My supervisor has informed her boss of this, but the truth is nothing can or will happen because contract therapists don't rock boats. Ever.
I don't want to go back tomorrow. I really, really just want the week off now........